Chapter 18

December 2006…

I’ve taken the job of teaching at the academy. Initially, I’d balked at the idea when the dean requested for me to return as a teaching staff.

“I’m not the best student you have,” I told him. “There are so many more that are better than me, and would do a better job at teaching the students.”

“You have the necessary experience, and you know how difficult it is. Of course we do not expect you to be overly sympathetic towards the kids, but we know you will be able to handle them well since you understand their pain.”

“It’s your call,” I said. “I need a job anyway.”

So here I am… teaching modern dance and choreography.

At first, I struggled to communicate with the students. I wasn’t sure if I should be stern like all the other instructors, or be sweet and nice. But slowly, seeing the determination of my students in class made me realize that I did not need to be fierce or stern. They were here for the purpose of succeeding, and they pushed themselves hard enough. I feel ashamed of myself when I compare my years as a student here with theirs.

Han Kyung’s in Beijing this week. I know because Hee Chul had sent me an email.

Hey Little Mermaid,

You missing us? Just dropping you a mail to let you know that Han Kyung is coming to Beijing on Dec 9… he’s been invited to judge this Cyworld competition since he’s the first million hit Cyworld user… Was it you who clicked his Cyworld a million times? ^_^

I think he’s gonna go back as some national hero… are you gonna be waving his flag when his chariot passes? Hehe!

Anyway… just so you know… the guys wanted to visit you when they dropped by at Hainan, but it was a day trip… so… Call Han Kyung, will ya? I think he wants to see you…

Take care,

Cinderella

He wanted to see me… if he wanted to see me, he’d come seek me himself.

Since I returned to Beijing, I would be at Yi He Yuan, every Sunday, sitting near the bridge, reading or simply watching the river flow. It calmed me, and I had nothing better to do. The place was filled with our memories. The long walks we had, the ice cream we ate, the kisses we shared atop the pagoda and on the bridge; I’m assaulted by them whenever I’m there. But they made smile, and were therefore worth remembering.

Sunday, 10 December; I was on the bridge as usual. It’s cold these days… and despite not being a fan of the cold, I persist on coming here. It was 5pm and the sky was gradually turning dark. I watched people start to walk out of Yi He Yuan, probably going off for dinner with friends and family. Watching them often reminded me that I had no one to go home to.

Five minutes later, I decided I’ve had enough and turned around to walk down the bridge. As I walked, a familiar head came into sight.

“Jui jin hao ma?” he said.

I stood there motionless and blinked my eyes in disbelief. He was here.

“Lost your voice?” he smiled as he walked towards me.

“No,” I replied, my voice shaking.

“Then why don’t you answer me?”

“I’m shocked,” I replied.

“Didn’t Hee Chul tell you I was coming?”

“He didn't say you were gonna seek me out. He just said you were coming to Beijing.”

“Nice of him to help me plan a surprise,” he laughed.

“I didn’t think you’d have the time to come here either.”

“If it matters to me, I would try my hardest. You’ve forgotten?”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Where else would you be?” he said. “I went to the school and got your apartment’s address, but when I got there, you weren’t home. So I figured you had to be here.”

“I didn’t think…”

“That I would remember?”

“Yea…”

“I remember… we said we’d come back here someday, to meet up. But it’s a bit too soon isn’t it?” he smiled.

“Huh?”

“Didn’t we plan this meeting for when we’re 60?”

“We did,” I smiled, and then I sneezed.

“You’re cold,” he said as he walked up to me and put his arm around me.

He was wearing a long coat and leather gloves. He’d obviously just finished attending some event since he was dressed quite formally.

“You’re dressed so formal,” I remarked as I reached out to touch the lapel of his coat.

“I had an event just now. Got off just in time to rush here.”

“If you had been a little later,” I said.

“I would’ve missed you,” he finished for me. “I miss you.”

“Han Kyung,” I whispered, tears starting to well in my eyes.

“Han Geng,” he whispered back. “Wo yong yuan shi ni de Han Geng,” he said, and he kissed me.

I kissed him back with all my heart. I missed him too. It’s only been a little more than month since I left him, but I missed him like crazy.

“Gen wo hui Han Guo,” he said as he pulled away.

“What? You know we can’t,” I said.

“Yes we can,” he said. “Since we won the MKMF, the management has been giving us more freedom. The management also found out what that crazy manager did, and he was fired. Come back with me. You can always get a job with another company.”

“How sure are you?”

“You trained Super Junior. Which company wouldn’t want you?” he said.

“You’re really serious, aren’t you? You’d planned to take me back with you all along?”

“Sierra, nan dao ni hai bu liao jie wo? Nan dao ni bu ji dao wo duo mo ai ni?”

“Ni ai wo…” I repeated after him.

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and he hugged me tightly. “Please come back to Korea with me.”

“But my teaching here.”

“There are plenty others waiting to take your job. I can’t live without you. Wo bu neng zai shi qu ni.”

The sky had darkened and the doors of Yi He Yuan were probably closing anytime now. I looked up at Han Geng and I reached out my hands to touch his face. How can I live my life without him? He was right. We can’t lose each other anymore. Our lives were not complete without one another.

“Hao ba,” I said.

“Really?”

“Yes. Let’s go back to Korea together,” I said, and this time, I kissed him.

“Did you miss me?” he whispered against my lips.

“Yes, I did. I was so lonely without you.”

“You know we still can’t live together when we get back. Not officially.”

“I’m fine with that.”

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and he kissed me lightly on the lips.

“I know,” I smiled against his lips.

“Kaja,” he said as he led us down the bridge moments later, his arm wrapped tightly around me to hold me at his side. “What do you want for dinner?”

“Jiao zhi!” I said. “Mandu!”

“Don’t you ever get sick of them?” he laughed.

“If I did, I’d get sick of you too,” I said.

“So you’re saying that I mean as much to you as dumplings do?”

“Yes,” I giggled.

“Hai…” he sighed. “Wo ming zhen ku…”

Life isn’t always perfect. Life sure isn’t a field of flowers. Life always included hardship and bitterness… but as long as we have someone to share it with… life could just be a little bit more bearable… and we can wake up each day and smile, knowing that at least we’re not living this life alone.

Han Geng’s Cyworld entry on 13 December.

No.68 韩庚 ( 2006.12.13 16:06 )

大家好我今天已经到韩国了~在中国一直没有给大家留言让
大家担心了,对不起.这次回中国在CY晚会上看到大家为我做
的一切我真的好感动,真的想对你们说好多话,可是到了嘴边就
不知道说什么了~我这个人不是很善于表达的人,呵呵~~~9
号我做完活动10 号我就回家陪我的家人,在这几天没有和大
家说让大家担心了.我在网上看到有的从外地来的,还是一个人
这样真的很危险,我只是不想让你们太辛苦,就没有告诉你们.
我回去陪家人的时候你门也可以多陪陪家人呀~~等到你们有
了自己的家的时候,你们就知道现在家人有多重要了~~希望
你们多陪陪家里人,从现在就好好照顾他们.我也希望你们能
永远幸福,我为你们祈祷~~~~~~~~~~我爱你们

Translation:

Hi everyone, I came back to Korea today~ didn't leave a message when I was in China, made you guys worry, sorry. This time went back to China's CY Party I saw everything that you guys did for me, I'm very touched. Really wished to say a lot to you all, but don't know what to say when I wanna speak~ I'm a person who doesn't express myself properly, hehe~~~ I finished the events on the 9th and went back home to accompany my family on the 10th. Didn't tell you all about it during these few days, made you guys worry. I saw from the net that some came from overseas, and by yourself. This is really very dangerous, I don't want everyone to tire themselves out, so I didn't tell you all. When I went back to accompany my family, you can also accompany your families too~~ wait till you have your own family, you will realise that family is really very important~~ hope you guys can accompany them more. Take good care of them from now onwards, I also wish you guys can be happy always. I pray for you guys~~~~~~ I love you all.

Chinese Notes

Jui jin hao ma?
How have you been?

Wo yong yuan shi ni de Han Geng.
I will always be your Han Geng.

Gen wo hui Han Guo.
Come back with me to Korea.

Nan dao ni hai bu liao jie wo?
You still don’t understand me?

Nan dao ni bu ji dao wo duo mo ai ni?
You don’t know how much I love you?

Ni ai wo…
You love me…

Wo bu neng zai shi qu ni.
I can’t lose you again.

Hao ba.
Fine.

Wo ai ni.
I love you.

Jiao zhi!
Dumplings!

Wo ming zhen ku…
What a tough life I lead.

Chapter 17

Han Kyung and I didn’t speak for the longest time; a few weeks to be exact. We went about our training sessions like strangers. I’d see them each day, and the rest of the guys were still friendly and all, but Han Kyung would be distant, coming in on the dot for the session and leaving as soon as it ends.

I had no idea what went on in his mind. When I asked Hee Chul, all he could say was that we needed to give Han Kyung time to calm down. 2 weeks after our quarrel, Han Kyung, together with Si Won, did the unthinkable.

“Yah!” Sung Min yelled as he ran into the dance studio.

“Waegeurae?” Ee Teuk said as he rubbed his ears. “You almost ruptured my eardrums.”

“Come quick,” he said. “Han Kyung and Si Won are arguing with manager hyung.”

“Which one?” Shin Dong asked.

“Who else? The maniac,” he said and out he ran again.

The rest of the guys followed and we came to the fire exit.

“They’re in there,” Sung Min said as he pointed to the door.

“We know… we can hear them,” Eun Hyuk smirked.

All 12 of us stood outside and listened to the exchange between the 3 of them.

“You can’t do this, hyung,” Si Won said.

“You boys should really mind your own business,” the manager said. “You’re lucky you’re not gonna get deported anymore, Han Kyung. If your popularity hadn’t improved, you’d end up like Sierra.”

“If she goes, I go,” Han Kyung said.

“And how are you gonna cough up the money? You signed a contract with SM. Remember?”

“Hyung… Sierra has no relationship with Hee Chul hyung. You’ve got it all wrong,” Si Won said.

“Stop defending her… it’s so obvious. They’re always together, and someone also reported to me that she was dating one of you. Who could it be? Unless it’s actually you, Si Won,” he sneered.

“What if it’s me?” Si Won said.

“Same ending for her; she’ll be deported,” he said, and the two of them became silent. “Get back to your training. The MKMF is in less than 2 months, and you have so much to do. If I hear another word from any of you, I’ll have her sent back to China immediately.”

As soon as he finished his sentence, the manager walked out of the exit, and all of us made way for him.

“Heard everything, didn’t you?” he looked at all of us. “Get back to your practice session before I report all of this to the management.”

“I wanna…” Kang In raised his arms, ready to charge at him, but Dong Hae held him back.

“What are we gonna do?” Sung Min asked.

“What can we do when there is actually some truth in the accusations,” Ee Teuk sighed.

“What?” Kyu Hyun exclaimed. We’d almost forgotten than he was still in the dark about my relationship with Han Kyung.

“Sorry for not telling you earlier,” Han Kyung said as he came to stand beside me. “Sierra and I have been dating for a long time; even before you joined Super Junior.”

“Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?” Kyu Hyun exclaimed.

“Because we’re not allowed to, and we didn’t want to burden you,” Ki Bum said.

“Yah… I’m a member too!” Kyu Hyun protested.

“Araso… araso…” Shin Dong laughed and put an arm around Kyu Hyun. “We’ll let you in on the secrets from now on.

“I need to talk to you,” Han Kyung said to me, and I just nodded and followed him as he walked away from the group.

We found an empty studio and went inside. I turned on the lights, and Han Kyung locked the door. I looked at him and he looked at me, then he suddenly rushed forward, picked up a chair and threw it to the far end of the room.

“Han Kyung!” I exclaimed.

I’d jumped in shock when he did that. It was a side of him I’ve never seen. He knelt down on the spot where he was standing and started pounding on the floor.

“Wei shen me?” he shouted.

“Han Kyung,” I called out and I rushed forward and grabbed his hands. “Bu yao zhe yang,” I said, and I started to cry.

All the tears that I’ve been hiding from him were unleashed today. I couldn’t keep my feelings to myself anymore. I was trying to be brave whilst waiting for an alternative, a solution to our situation.

“Bu yao ku,” he said as he pulled me into his arms.

“I didn’t want this to happen,” I sobbed against his chest.

We were both sitting on the floor, both his arms around me, and mine around his waist as I cried.
“I know… I know…” he said.

“We can’t both sacrifice ourselves,” I said. “You can’t let that crazy man know we’re together. Your standing in the band could be affected. You don’t know what will happen.”

“And I’m supposed to just watch you leave me again?”

“I’ll come back. I promise,” I said. “We’ll find a way. I just can’t be in SM. Promise me you won’t try anything without first talking to me. Da ying wo!”

“Hao… wo da ying ni,” he sighed and we tightened our arms around each other.

After that, we never talked about my impending departure anymore. We spent as much time as we could together, and we went about it as discreet was we could so that we didn’t arouse the manager’s suspicion. The weeks flew by, and soon, it was November. In another 2 weeks, I’ll be leaving Seoul, and going back to Beijing. I’d thought that I would at least have a proper farewell with the guys, but it was not to be.

“Here,” their manager said as he tossed me an envelope.

He’d asked to see me and I’d been wondering what he was up to.

“Igot mwoya?” I asked him.

“Your plane ticket and the rest of your salary. You can count it if you want to,” he said.

“I thought I had 2 more weeks?”

“I’d decided that you need to go now. You have a problem with that?”

“Can I at least say goodbye to the guys?” I asked him.

“No, but you can write them a nice letter. I’ll help,” he said as he tossed me a pen and a piece of paper.

“I want to see them,” I said.

“You’ll write the letter now,” he said, and just then two men walked into the room.

“What’s this?” I asked him.

“They’re here to persuade you,” he said.

“You’re not gonna get away with this,” I said.

“Watch me,” he smiled sinisterly. “Now start writing… Dear Guys…” he said.

The two men came to stand beside me. One of them picked up the paper and pen and put them right in front of me, and the other… he pulled out a knife.

“Don’t keep me waiting,” he said, and I had no choice, but to pick up the pen and start writing.

In the letter, I’d been forced to write that I’ve received a job offer back in China, and I had to leave immediately… that very night, to be precise. I was also forced to sign a resignation letter he’d typed after writing the letter.

“I will be sure the boys get it tomorrow morning,” he said. “Have a great night… your last night here in Seoul. Your escorts here will make sure you’re packed and ready to leave on the last flight tonight. Whatever you can’t bring with you, I will be sure they are sent to you. If you try anything funny, an accident might happen to you.”

The two men watched as I packed that night, and I didn’t even have a minute to call anyone to tell them I was leaving. Would they guess what had happened? Would Han Kyung understand?

I cried throughout the flight back to Beijing, and the stewardesses and the passenger next to me were baffled. They probably thought that I was hysterical, but I didn’t care. I was too upset to care.

The moment I got off the plane, I took a taxi straight to Ying Ru’s place. She was still with the academy, but no longer living in the hostel. She wouldn’t be graduating for another year.

“Sierra!” she exclaimed when she opened the door. “What happened?”

“Ying Ru,” I started crying again as I hugged her, and I told her the whole story.

2 weeks later, on November 25th 2006 to be exact, I sat in front of computer with Ying Ru, and we were watching the MKMF on TVAnts.

“Omigod!” Ying Ru yelled. “They won!”

Ee Teuk was the first to give a speech, as the leader, and he was composed as always, while the others cried. Eun Hyuk was crying so much, and Si Won was trying his best to hold back the tears. In the end, he gave in too, and so did Ee Teuk; there were tears in his eyes. Dong Hae dedicated his speech to his father and tears rolled down my cheeks when I heard it, because I knew how much he’d wanted his father to see his achievement. Han Kyung came up to the microphone and he gave a speech in Mandarin. He thanked the judging committee, Lee Soo Man sonsaengnim, the staff at SM, and the fans worldwide, but was cut off because they’d taken too long to make their thank you speeches.

I was so proud of him at that moment, so proud of Super Junior. They’d won Best Newcomer, and their performance that night was almost flawless, just the way we’d wanted it to be during all those practice sessions. I wished that I could’ve stayed on, at least to share that night with them, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Afraid that I would implicate them, I haven’t been replying any of their emails, but they kept coming. All of them wrote to me, except Han Kyung. I missed him, and I missed my life back in Seoul. Will I ever see them again?

Chinese Notes

Wei shen me?
Why?

Bu yao zhe yang.
Don’t be like this.

Bu yao ku.
Don’t cry.

Da ying wo!
Promise me!

Hao... wo da ying ni.
Alright... I promise (you).