I Have Not Forgotten... ©

Chapter 18

2007-10-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

December 2006…

I’ve taken the job of teaching at the academy. Initially, I’d balked at the idea when the dean requested for me to return as a teaching staff.

“I’m not the best student you have,” I told him. “There are so many more that are better than me, and would do a better job at teaching the students.”

“You have the necessary experience, and you know how difficult it is. Of course we do not expect you to be overly sympathetic towards the kids, but we know you will be able to handle them well since you understand their pain.”

“It’s your call,” I said. “I need a job anyway.”

So here I am… teaching modern dance and choreography.

At first, I struggled to communicate with the students. I wasn’t sure if I should be stern like all the other instructors, or be sweet and nice. But slowly, seeing the determination of my students in class made me realize that I did not need to be fierce or stern. They were here for the purpose of succeeding, and they pushed themselves hard enough. I feel ashamed of myself when I compare my years as a student here with theirs.

Han Kyung’s in Beijing this week. I know because Hee Chul had sent me an email.

Hey Little Mermaid,

You missing us? Just dropping you a mail to let you know that Han Kyung is coming to Beijing on Dec 9… he’s been invited to judge this Cyworld competition since he’s the first million hit Cyworld user… Was it you who clicked his Cyworld a million times? ^_^

I think he’s gonna go back as some national hero… are you gonna be waving his flag when his chariot passes? Hehe!

Anyway… just so you know… the guys wanted to visit you when they dropped by at Hainan, but it was a day trip… so… Call Han Kyung, will ya? I think he wants to see you…

Take care,

Cinderella

He wanted to see me… if he wanted to see me, he’d come seek me himself.

Since I returned to Beijing, I would be at Yi He Yuan, every Sunday, sitting near the bridge, reading or simply watching the river flow. It calmed me, and I had nothing better to do. The place was filled with our memories. The long walks we had, the ice cream we ate, the kisses we shared atop the pagoda and on the bridge; I’m assaulted by them whenever I’m there. But they made smile, and were therefore worth remembering.

Sunday, 10 December; I was on the bridge as usual. It’s cold these days… and despite not being a fan of the cold, I persist on coming here. It was 5pm and the sky was gradually turning dark. I watched people start to walk out of Yi He Yuan, probably going off for dinner with friends and family. Watching them often reminded me that I had no one to go home to.

Five minutes later, I decided I’ve had enough and turned around to walk down the bridge. As I walked, a familiar head came into sight.

“Jui jin hao ma?” he said.

I stood there motionless and blinked my eyes in disbelief. He was here.

“Lost your voice?” he smiled as he walked towards me.

“No,” I replied, my voice shaking.

“Then why don’t you answer me?”

“I’m shocked,” I replied.

“Didn’t Hee Chul tell you I was coming?”

“He didn't say you were gonna seek me out. He just said you were coming to Beijing.”

“Nice of him to help me plan a surprise,” he laughed.

“I didn’t think you’d have the time to come here either.”

“If it matters to me, I would try my hardest. You’ve forgotten?”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Where else would you be?” he said. “I went to the school and got your apartment’s address, but when I got there, you weren’t home. So I figured you had to be here.”

“I didn’t think…”

“That I would remember?”

“Yea…”

“I remember… we said we’d come back here someday, to meet up. But it’s a bit too soon isn’t it?” he smiled.

“Huh?”

“Didn’t we plan this meeting for when we’re 60?”

“We did,” I smiled, and then I sneezed.

“You’re cold,” he said as he walked up to me and put his arm around me.

He was wearing a long coat and leather gloves. He’d obviously just finished attending some event since he was dressed quite formally.

“You’re dressed so formal,” I remarked as I reached out to touch the lapel of his coat.

“I had an event just now. Got off just in time to rush here.”

“If you had been a little later,” I said.

“I would’ve missed you,” he finished for me. “I miss you.”

“Han Kyung,” I whispered, tears starting to well in my eyes.

“Han Geng,” he whispered back. “Wo yong yuan shi ni de Han Geng,” he said, and he kissed me.

I kissed him back with all my heart. I missed him too. It’s only been a little more than month since I left him, but I missed him like crazy.

“Gen wo hui Han Guo,” he said as he pulled away.

“What? You know we can’t,” I said.

“Yes we can,” he said. “Since we won the MKMF, the management has been giving us more freedom. The management also found out what that crazy manager did, and he was fired. Come back with me. You can always get a job with another company.”

“How sure are you?”

“You trained Super Junior. Which company wouldn’t want you?” he said.

“You’re really serious, aren’t you? You’d planned to take me back with you all along?”

“Sierra, nan dao ni hai bu liao jie wo? Nan dao ni bu ji dao wo duo mo ai ni?”

“Ni ai wo…” I repeated after him.

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and he hugged me tightly. “Please come back to Korea with me.”

“But my teaching here.”

“There are plenty others waiting to take your job. I can’t live without you. Wo bu neng zai shi qu ni.”

The sky had darkened and the doors of Yi He Yuan were probably closing anytime now. I looked up at Han Geng and I reached out my hands to touch his face. How can I live my life without him? He was right. We can’t lose each other anymore. Our lives were not complete without one another.

“Hao ba,” I said.

“Really?”

“Yes. Let’s go back to Korea together,” I said, and this time, I kissed him.

“Did you miss me?” he whispered against my lips.

“Yes, I did. I was so lonely without you.”

“You know we still can’t live together when we get back. Not officially.”

“I’m fine with that.”

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and he kissed me lightly on the lips.

“I know,” I smiled against his lips.

“Kaja,” he said as he led us down the bridge moments later, his arm wrapped tightly around me to hold me at his side. “What do you want for dinner?”

“Jiao zhi!” I said. “Mandu!”

“Don’t you ever get sick of them?” he laughed.

“If I did, I’d get sick of you too,” I said.

“So you’re saying that I mean as much to you as dumplings do?”

“Yes,” I giggled.

“Hai…” he sighed. “Wo ming zhen ku…”

Life isn’t always perfect. Life sure isn’t a field of flowers. Life always included hardship and bitterness… but as long as we have someone to share it with… life could just be a little bit more bearable… and we can wake up each day and smile, knowing that at least we’re not living this life alone.

Han Geng’s Cyworld entry on 13 December.

No.68 韩庚 ( 2006.12.13 16:06 )

大家好我今天已经到韩国了~在中国一直没有给大家留言让
大家担心了,对不起.这次回中国在CY晚会上看到大家为我做
的一切我真的好感动,真的想对你们说好多话,可是到了嘴边就
不知道说什么了~我这个人不是很善于表达的人,呵呵~~~9
号我做完活动10 号我就回家陪我的家人,在这几天没有和大
家说让大家担心了.我在网上看到有的从外地来的,还是一个人
这样真的很危险,我只是不想让你们太辛苦,就没有告诉你们.
我回去陪家人的时候你门也可以多陪陪家人呀~~等到你们有
了自己的家的时候,你们就知道现在家人有多重要了~~希望
你们多陪陪家里人,从现在就好好照顾他们.我也希望你们能
永远幸福,我为你们祈祷~~~~~~~~~~我爱你们

Translation:

Hi everyone, I came back to Korea today~ didn't leave a message when I was in China, made you guys worry, sorry. This time went back to China's CY Party I saw everything that you guys did for me, I'm very touched. Really wished to say a lot to you all, but don't know what to say when I wanna speak~ I'm a person who doesn't express myself properly, hehe~~~ I finished the events on the 9th and went back home to accompany my family on the 10th. Didn't tell you all about it during these few days, made you guys worry. I saw from the net that some came from overseas, and by yourself. This is really very dangerous, I don't want everyone to tire themselves out, so I didn't tell you all. When I went back to accompany my family, you can also accompany your families too~~ wait till you have your own family, you will realise that family is really very important~~ hope you guys can accompany them more. Take good care of them from now onwards, I also wish you guys can be happy always. I pray for you guys~~~~~~ I love you all.

Chinese Notes

Jui jin hao ma?
How have you been?

Wo yong yuan shi ni de Han Geng.
I will always be your Han Geng.

Gen wo hui Han Guo.
Come back with me to Korea.

Nan dao ni hai bu liao jie wo?
You still don’t understand me?

Nan dao ni bu ji dao wo duo mo ai ni?
You don’t know how much I love you?

Ni ai wo…
You love me…

Wo bu neng zai shi qu ni.
I can’t lose you again.

Hao ba.
Fine.

Wo ai ni.
I love you.

Jiao zhi!
Dumplings!

Wo ming zhen ku…
What a tough life I lead.

Chapter 17

2007-10-06T23:26:00.001+08:00

Han Kyung and I didn’t speak for the longest time; a few weeks to be exact. We went about our training sessions like strangers. I’d see them each day, and the rest of the guys were still friendly and all, but Han Kyung would be distant, coming in on the dot for the session and leaving as soon as it ends.

I had no idea what went on in his mind. When I asked Hee Chul, all he could say was that we needed to give Han Kyung time to calm down. 2 weeks after our quarrel, Han Kyung, together with Si Won, did the unthinkable.

“Yah!” Sung Min yelled as he ran into the dance studio.

“Waegeurae?” Ee Teuk said as he rubbed his ears. “You almost ruptured my eardrums.”

“Come quick,” he said. “Han Kyung and Si Won are arguing with manager hyung.”

“Which one?” Shin Dong asked.

“Who else? The maniac,” he said and out he ran again.

The rest of the guys followed and we came to the fire exit.

“They’re in there,” Sung Min said as he pointed to the door.

“We know… we can hear them,” Eun Hyuk smirked.

All 12 of us stood outside and listened to the exchange between the 3 of them.

“You can’t do this, hyung,” Si Won said.

“You boys should really mind your own business,” the manager said. “You’re lucky you’re not gonna get deported anymore, Han Kyung. If your popularity hadn’t improved, you’d end up like Sierra.”

“If she goes, I go,” Han Kyung said.

“And how are you gonna cough up the money? You signed a contract with SM. Remember?”

“Hyung… Sierra has no relationship with Hee Chul hyung. You’ve got it all wrong,” Si Won said.

“Stop defending her… it’s so obvious. They’re always together, and someone also reported to me that she was dating one of you. Who could it be? Unless it’s actually you, Si Won,” he sneered.

“What if it’s me?” Si Won said.

“Same ending for her; she’ll be deported,” he said, and the two of them became silent. “Get back to your training. The MKMF is in less than 2 months, and you have so much to do. If I hear another word from any of you, I’ll have her sent back to China immediately.”

As soon as he finished his sentence, the manager walked out of the exit, and all of us made way for him.

“Heard everything, didn’t you?” he looked at all of us. “Get back to your practice session before I report all of this to the management.”

“I wanna…” Kang In raised his arms, ready to charge at him, but Dong Hae held him back.

“What are we gonna do?” Sung Min asked.

“What can we do when there is actually some truth in the accusations,” Ee Teuk sighed.

“What?” Kyu Hyun exclaimed. We’d almost forgotten than he was still in the dark about my relationship with Han Kyung.

“Sorry for not telling you earlier,” Han Kyung said as he came to stand beside me. “Sierra and I have been dating for a long time; even before you joined Super Junior.”

“Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?” Kyu Hyun exclaimed.

“Because we’re not allowed to, and we didn’t want to burden you,” Ki Bum said.

“Yah… I’m a member too!” Kyu Hyun protested.

“Araso… araso…” Shin Dong laughed and put an arm around Kyu Hyun. “We’ll let you in on the secrets from now on.

“I need to talk to you,” Han Kyung said to me, and I just nodded and followed him as he walked away from the group.

We found an empty studio and went inside. I turned on the lights, and Han Kyung locked the door. I looked at him and he looked at me, then he suddenly rushed forward, picked up a chair and threw it to the far end of the room.

“Han Kyung!” I exclaimed.

I’d jumped in shock when he did that. It was a side of him I’ve never seen. He knelt down on the spot where he was standing and started pounding on the floor.

“Wei shen me?” he shouted.

“Han Kyung,” I called out and I rushed forward and grabbed his hands. “Bu yao zhe yang,” I said, and I started to cry.

All the tears that I’ve been hiding from him were unleashed today. I couldn’t keep my feelings to myself anymore. I was trying to be brave whilst waiting for an alternative, a solution to our situation.

“Bu yao ku,” he said as he pulled me into his arms.

“I didn’t want this to happen,” I sobbed against his chest.

We were both sitting on the floor, both his arms around me, and mine around his waist as I cried.
“I know… I know…” he said.

“We can’t both sacrifice ourselves,” I said. “You can’t let that crazy man know we’re together. Your standing in the band could be affected. You don’t know what will happen.”

“And I’m supposed to just watch you leave me again?”

“I’ll come back. I promise,” I said. “We’ll find a way. I just can’t be in SM. Promise me you won’t try anything without first talking to me. Da ying wo!”

“Hao… wo da ying ni,” he sighed and we tightened our arms around each other.

After that, we never talked about my impending departure anymore. We spent as much time as we could together, and we went about it as discreet was we could so that we didn’t arouse the manager’s suspicion. The weeks flew by, and soon, it was November. In another 2 weeks, I’ll be leaving Seoul, and going back to Beijing. I’d thought that I would at least have a proper farewell with the guys, but it was not to be.

“Here,” their manager said as he tossed me an envelope.

He’d asked to see me and I’d been wondering what he was up to.

“Igot mwoya?” I asked him.

“Your plane ticket and the rest of your salary. You can count it if you want to,” he said.

“I thought I had 2 more weeks?”

“I’d decided that you need to go now. You have a problem with that?”

“Can I at least say goodbye to the guys?” I asked him.

“No, but you can write them a nice letter. I’ll help,” he said as he tossed me a pen and a piece of paper.

“I want to see them,” I said.

“You’ll write the letter now,” he said, and just then two men walked into the room.

“What’s this?” I asked him.

“They’re here to persuade you,” he said.

“You’re not gonna get away with this,” I said.

“Watch me,” he smiled sinisterly. “Now start writing… Dear Guys…” he said.

The two men came to stand beside me. One of them picked up the paper and pen and put them right in front of me, and the other… he pulled out a knife.

“Don’t keep me waiting,” he said, and I had no choice, but to pick up the pen and start writing.

In the letter, I’d been forced to write that I’ve received a job offer back in China, and I had to leave immediately… that very night, to be precise. I was also forced to sign a resignation letter he’d typed after writing the letter.

“I will be sure the boys get it tomorrow morning,” he said. “Have a great night… your last night here in Seoul. Your escorts here will make sure you’re packed and ready to leave on the last flight tonight. Whatever you can’t bring with you, I will be sure they are sent to you. If you try anything funny, an accident might happen to you.”

The two men watched as I packed that night, and I didn’t even have a minute to call anyone to tell them I was leaving. Would they guess what had happened? Would Han Kyung understand?

I cried throughout the flight back to Beijing, and the stewardesses and the passenger next to me were baffled. They probably thought that I was hysterical, but I didn’t care. I was too upset to care.

The moment I got off the plane, I took a taxi straight to Ying Ru’s place. She was still with the academy, but no longer living in the hostel. She wouldn’t be graduating for another year.

“Sierra!” she exclaimed when she opened the door. “What happened?”

“Ying Ru,” I started crying again as I hugged her, and I told her the whole story.

2 weeks later, on November 25th 2006 to be exact, I sat in front of computer with Ying Ru, and we were watching the MKMF on TVAnts.

“Omigod!” Ying Ru yelled. “They won!”

Ee Teuk was the first to give a speech, as the leader, and he was composed as always, while the others cried. Eun Hyuk was crying so much, and Si Won was trying his best to hold back the tears. In the end, he gave in too, and so did Ee Teuk; there were tears in his eyes. Dong Hae dedicated his speech to his father and tears rolled down my cheeks when I heard it, because I knew how much he’d wanted his father to see his achievement. Han Kyung came up to the microphone and he gave a speech in Mandarin. He thanked the judging committee, Lee Soo Man sonsaengnim, the staff at SM, and the fans worldwide, but was cut off because they’d taken too long to make their thank you speeches.

I was so proud of him at that moment, so proud of Super Junior. They’d won Best Newcomer, and their performance that night was almost flawless, just the way we’d wanted it to be during all those practice sessions. I wished that I could’ve stayed on, at least to share that night with them, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Afraid that I would implicate them, I haven’t been replying any of their emails, but they kept coming. All of them wrote to me, except Han Kyung. I missed him, and I missed my life back in Seoul. Will I ever see them again?

Chinese Notes

Wei shen me?
Why?

Bu yao zhe yang.
Don’t be like this.

Bu yao ku.
Don’t cry.

Da ying wo!
Promise me!

Hao... wo da ying ni.
Alright... I promise (you).

Chapter 16

2007-09-30T18:53:00.001+08:00

“Here goes,” I said as I released the brakes on Hee Chul’s car.

We’d had the ignition on for about 10 minutes while he showed me the signal lever, the gears, the brakes and stuff since I wasn’t used to driving on the left.

“Okay? Can we move?” he asked me.

“Yea, yea, sure…” I said absently.

I felt pretty disoriented and nervous since this will be the first time I take a car out onto the road, and without a license. I applied slight pressure to the gas pedal and the car lurched a little. Just then, another car moved past us, and I screamed as I slammed on the breaks.

“Yaah!” Hee Chul screamed at me. “Concentrate. Don’t panic.”

“I didn’t see the car coming,” I said as I covered my face. “This is a bad idea. Can we just stay at home?”

“I don’t care. I’m sick of being stuck at home. I wanna go somewhere.”

“Can we ask one of the PAs to come pick us up?”

“No… I don’t wanna meet any of the staffs today. Can’t we just go somewhere, the two of us?” he said, and he was starting to sound a little desperate.

“Araso… araso…” I sighed. “Let’s try this again.”

I released my foot from the brakes and shifted it onto the gas pedal, then applied pressure on it again. This time the car went smoothly into motion.

“Okay,” Hee Chul said. “Ease out of the lot slowly. Yep… signal… we’re turning onto the main road,” he instructed as I drove.

I smiled as I realized I was starting to get the hang of it, and it wasn’t as scary as I thought.

“I’m driving,” I said softly.

“Yes you are,” he laughed.

“I’m driving!” I shouted.

“Yes! Now try to stay on the right side of the road,” he smiled.

“Ye,” I replied as we cruised on towards our destination for the day.

That was the last time I went anywhere with Hee Chul, with me driving. I was pretty relieved when the guys finally came back.

“Guess what I did?” I asked Han Kyung as soon as they walked through the door.

“What? Stay home? Watch TV?”

“I drove Hee Chul’s car; we went out!” I exclaimed, and Hee Chul laughed at my enthusiasm.

“That’s the last time,” Hee Chul said.

“Are you crazy?” Si Won said to Hee Chul. “You guys could’ve gone to prison for that. Or worse… Sierra could get deported.”

“What difference does it make?” I sighed as soon as Si Won said the word ‘deported’.

“Zen me le? You look troubled,” Han Kyung said as he came to sit beside me and put an arm around me.

“We need to do something about manager hyung,” Hee Chul said.

“Which one?” Si Won asked, since they had a few.

“The crazy one,” I said.

“What did he do now?” Han Kyung asked.

“Remember… he thinks I have relationship with Hee Chul,” I said.

“Yea… but wasn’t that over?” Han Kyung said.

“Well, apparently he has it in his mind that I’m still with Hee Chul. Because of this, my contract ends as soon as you guys are ready for the MKMF, and I’m to leave Korea immediately after that.”

“What?” Si Won and Han Kyung exclaimed together.

“This is absurd,” Hee Chul said as he shook his head.

“He can’t do this,” Si Won said.

“It’s done. Forget it,” I said.

“Then you should get a new job, quickly,” Si Won said.

“I’m trying. But I will need to leave the country for awhile before I come back again.”

“Why do you need to do that?” Han Kyung asked.

“Cos they’re not gonna renew my work permit,” I said.

Just then, Ki Bum came in through the door and dumped his bag on the floor.

“Waegeurae?” he said as he surveyed our serious expressions.

“Sierra’s gonna get deported,” Si Won said.

“Mworago?” Ki Bum replied.

“Let’s drop it guys,” I said as I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. We can’t do anything about it.”

“I’m not letting this go,” Han Kyung said.

“Ni xiang gan shen me?” I asked him.

“Hello… no speak Mandarin,” Ki Bum said.

“Wo bu neng rang ta men zhe yang dui ni,” Han Kyung continued, ignoring Ki Bum.

“What did he say?” Ki Bum said as he looked at Si Won, since he was the only one who understood, other than me.

“He said he can’t let them treat her this way,” Si Won translated.

“Wo men you xuan ze ma?” I asked him.

“Ni jiu zhe yang fang qi?” Han Kyung said with his fists clenched.

“Ya… Han Kyung,” Hee Chul said as he stood up to pull Han Kyung back. “Calm down.”

“We can’t do a thing, Han Kyung. Let it go,” I said as I picked up my bag.

“Where are you going?” Hee Chul asked.

“Home,” I said.

“I’ll take you,” Si Won said as he picked up his keys.

“I’m okay,” I said. “I’ll get home myself.”

“Take her home,” Hee Chul said, and Si Won nodded.

By then, Han Kyung was sitting on the couch, fuming.

“Bye,” I said as I walked out, and Si Won followed behind me.

“This way,” Si Won said as the elevator reached the parking lot floor.

“I’ll get home on my own,” I said.

“I’m going home too,” he said. “Just come with me, okay?” he added as he grabbed me by the arm.

Si Won didn’t live with the guys. He didn’t have to since he could afford his own place with his family’s money. We’ve been to his place a few times, and it was a cozy and classy apartment.

Half of the journey back to my place was in silence, until Si Won finally spoke.

“He loves you a lot, you know,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Do I need to say it in Chinese? Ta zhen de hen ai ni!”

“And your point is?”

“He would do anything to keep you here in Seoul. He lost you once. Do you think he will allow you to leave again?”

“But this is not within our control. And if he fights for me, the management will know about our relationship. I don’t want to jeopardize his career.”

“I know… but that’s the last thing on his mind when he thinks about you.”

“He’s being selfish. What would you guys do without him? The band isn’t complete if one person goes.”

“We’ll all help. Going public with your relationship isn’t going to help. We’ll just need to convince the management.”

“You think that would work?” I asked.

“We don’t know for sure…”

“If it did… this wouldn’t even be happening now. The company is intent on protecting you guys. They won’t allow someone like me to jeopardize your images.”

“I know this first year is critical for us, but this is going too far.

“And the MKMF and all those huge awards are coming. They will never allow a rumor or news like this to get out,” I reminded him.

“Some mess this has become,” Si Won sighed.

“I don’t know what we can do.”

“We’ll talk to Han Kyung, and keep him in control, then we’ll find a way to settle this with the managemet. In the meantime, just make sure you start looking for a new job in Seoul.”

“I will,” I sighed. “Komawo…”

“For what?” he asked.

“Keunyang ta…” I said.

“I’ve not done much for you. It’s Han Kyung who wants everything for you.”

And sometimes I wished he didn’t…

Chinese Notes

Zen me le?
What happened?

Ni xiang gan shen me?
What are you going to do?

Wo bu neng rang ta men zhe yang dui ni.
I can’t let them treat you this way.

Wo men you xuan ze ma?
Do we have a choice?

Ni jiu zhe yang fang qi?
You’re giving up just like that?

Ta zhen de hen ai ni.
He loves you a lot.

Chapter 15

2007-09-22T11:33:00.001+08:00

We ended up at a quiet café where I reluctantly sat down in front of him and allowed the waitress to take our orders.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“I warned you, didn’t I? I told you that your relationship with Hee Chul had to end, and what is this you’re doing now?” he said.

“I don’t know what you mean. I told you there was nothing happening between me and Hee Chul. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Then tell me why you aren’t on that plane now?”

“My presence wasn’t needed and someone had to stay here with Hee Chul,” I said.

“He has a PA for that.”

“I’m his friend. That is all.”

“Your actions say otherwise. I’ve already spoken to the management. As soon as the MKMF is over, your services are no longer required.”

“What?”

“Your last job is to choreograph their performance for the MKMF, after which you will cease to be an employee with SM Entertainment.”

“You can’t do that! There are no grounds for my dismissal,” I exclaimed.

“Are you sure? Are you sure you have nothing to do with any member of Super Junior? We can have you watched, Sierra, and if we find that you have been socializing in an inappropriate manner with any of our artistes, we have the right to dismiss you, without notice.”

“You can’t do this…” I said.

“I suggest you submit your notice, do a good job with the MKMF, and perhaps we might even write you a nice testimonial so that you can get a job elsewhere.”

“What about my work permit?” I asked him.

“The next company that hires you will settle it. So I suggest you start looking,” he said as he got up. “I’ll allow you to ‘accompany’ Hee Chul this once. When the rest of the band returns, you are to focus only on your job as their choreographer. We’re counting on you to do a good job for the MKMF, since they’re going to win Best Newcomer.”

“And how do you know that?” I asked him.

“Isn’t it obvious that Super Junior is the best new act this year?” he smirked before he walked off.

He was right.

“Yo… wassup my friend… why you lookin’ so down,” Hee Chul tried to rap like a black rapper.

We were eating dinner, just the two of us, in their apartment, and I haven’t spoken much all night. I was usually quite talkative with him.

“Nothing…” I sighed. I’m still pondering if I should tell the guys.

“Then why do you look so preoccupied?” he asked. “Aha!” he suddenly exclaimed, and I jumped a little.

“Don’t do that!” I laughed and poked him.

“Don’t poke me!” he laughed and poked me back. “I know why you’re so glum.”

“Wae?”

“You miss Han Kyung, dontcha!” he said, in a tone that sounded as if he’d just revealed a deep dark secret of mine.

“Ya… of course I miss my darling,” I said in an exaggerated sappy tone. “Han Kyung,” I whined, “pogoshipo…” I said as I pretended to sob.

“Aigoo…” he cooed. “Don’t cry now… oppa is here for you. Forget about Han Kyung,” he said before bursting into giggles.

“No offense, but you’re more like an onni than oppa to me,” I laughed.

“Same thing, same thing…” he giggled, and covered his mouth while doing it, like a girl would.

I laughed when he did that. Hee Chul always knew how to make me laugh, and I guess that’s why we’re such close friends. In that moment, I knew I had to tell Hee Chul. If I didn’t he might think that I didn’t trust him as a friend, and he might feel hurt.

“Oppa,” I said.

“Wae,” he said as he slurped his soup.

“Your manager approached me again, today.”

“Where?” he said. “Did he give you trouble again? Aisshii… that guy…”

“He told me that I had to hand in my resignation, and that the management knew about you and me. My last assignment would be the MKMF and after that, I had to leave SM.”

“Then you'd have to leave Korea. What about Han Kyung?”

“I don’t know. Unless I get a job immediately after, I can’t stay for long in Korea since SM is hardly going to keep paying for my work permit. I think they’re gonna cancel it right after the MKMF.”

“Didn’t you tell them that you and I are just friends?”

“He didn’t buy it,” I said.

“Michoso!” Hee Chul exclaimed. “I should go talk to the management.”

“Just leave it Hee Chul. If you defend me, it would look even more suspicious to them.”

“But you’ll get deported,” he said.

“I’ll try to get a job soon,” I said.

“You won’t have time,” he said.

“Why?”

“When the guys get back, we have a full schedule, all the way up till the MKMF, and he knows that. He’s obviously trying to get you deported.”

“Well, even if he is, what can we do?” I sighed. “Let’s just forget about it.”

“I’ll think of something,” he said as he patted my hand. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m fine. Don’t get upset because of this. You need to focus on getting better. Alright?” I said.

“Ne,” he smiled.

“Good… now eat your vegetables,” I said, and he laughed.

“Ne oma…”

That night, I didn’t go back to my apartment.

“Sleep in Han Kyung’s bed. It’s late, and you shouldn’t commute home alone at this hour.”

“That crazy manager of yours probably has a spy outside, if I don’t leave, he’ll surely think that he was right about us.”

“He’s going to do what he planned anyway. Just stay,” Hee Chul said. “It’s not worth your safety.”

“You’re lonely, aren’t you?” I teased him and he pretended to cover his face out of shyness.

“Yaa… miweo! How did you guess?” he cooed.

“Michoso…” I laughed. “Fine I’ll stay. I’m too tired to travel back anyway, and I’m not keen on paying for a taxi. Need to save my money now, since I’ll be out of work in November.”

“Don’t say that,” Hee Chul said. “We’ll find a way…”

“I hope so,” I said.

The next morning, I was awoken by Hee Chul. He sat beside me on the bed and kept tickling my face with a piece of tissue paper.

“Ya! Neo waegeurae?” I grumbled as I tried to shield my face.

“Wake up!” he said. “Let’s go get something to eat. I’m hungry.”

“Go away,” I said and I tried to kick him off the bed.

“Yaaa…. Nan paegop'a…” he whined.

“Call for delivery,” I said.

“I wanna get out of the house,” he said. “I’m sick of staying in.”

“You can’t even walk,” I said.

“We can drive.”

“You can’t walk, but you can drive?”

“You can drive,” he said.

“I don’t have a license!” I said in exasperation.

“It’ll be fine. You know how to drive…”

“Not on the other side of the road.”

“I’ll be beside you!”

“You wanna risk your life again?” I reminded him.

“I trust you,” he said. “Please…” he pleaded, and tried to overcome me with his puppy dog eyes.

I sighed and mussed my own hair in frustration.

“Come on, Little Mermaid…” he pleaded again.

“Araso… araso…” I grumbled as I sat up.

“We leave in half an hour?”

“Ne…” I said as I walked out of the room.

Chapter 14

2007-09-12T19:07:00.003+08:00

“When was this?” I finally said.

“Remember when we broke up back then? And I said that I was seeing someone else,” he said.

“It was Winnie?”

“I thought that you broke up with her before she left. Didn’t you tell me that?” Winnie asked him.

“I bet that it’s all just an honest mistake… that he forgot to tell me,” I said sarcastically.

“I know that we’d break up eventually,” he said. “I knew it the moment you got that scholarship.”

“Then why didn’t you break up with me before I left?”

“I was giving you time to adapt to your new life before breaking up with you. I didn’t want you to get upset and disrupt your training.”

“Are you giving me a reason, or just making an excuse for yourself?”

“Sierra…” he said in a tone I remembered far too well. It was his way of showing that his patience was wearing thin.

“It’s nice seeing you Winnie,” I said. “Write me an email after you’ve dumped this sorry excuse for a man.”

As I turned around I saw a familiar figure… Hee Chul. He walked up to me, taking long strides with each step and when he reached me, he put his arm around me.

“Let’s go,” he said, and I nodded.

“Isn’t that Hee Chul from Super Junior,” I heard Ryan say as we walked off.

“Are you okay?” Hee Chul asked me as soon as we reached the bus.

“I’m fine,” I replied.

“Who was that? Why did you look so upset?”

“Did I look upset?” I asked him as I touched my face; only then did I realize there were tears.

“You’re crying,” he said.

“That was my best friend, and my ex-boyfriend.”

“I see,” he said. I didn’t even need to tell him and he’d gotten the whole picture.

“I thought I was over him the moment I got together with Han Kyung, but I guess no matter how long it has been over, a past relationship can always come back to hurt you.”

“It’s his lost. You have Han Kyung now, and you have us who care for you. Forget them,” he said as he put a hand on my shoulder.

“I plan to,” I smiled. “I’m never looking back ever again.”

“Good girl,” he smiled, and he gave me a quick, brotherly hug before we went back on the bus.

It was past 12am when we finally got onto the plane, we took off a little past 1am, and I was actually relieved to be on my way back to Seoul; back to my current life. Halfway through the flight, one of their managers motioned for me to join him.

“I need to talk to you, Sierra,” he said as he motioned for me to sit in the empty seat beside him.

“Anything wrong, oppa?” I said.

“Something has come to my attention. Something between you and a certain member of the band,” he said.

Damn! Has he found out about Han Kyung and me?

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said cautiously.

“Let me put this plainly,” he said. “Either you stop seeing Hee Chul, or I will report this to the management and have you dismissed.”

I stared at the manager and I didn’t know whether to laugh or to be worried. Where did he get that idea?

“Oppa… I think you’ve misunderstood my relationship with Hee Chul. He’s just an artiste I train and a friend when we’re not training.”

“Whatever your definition, I want you to stay away from him,” he said.

“I’m still training Super Junior. I hardly see how I can stay away from him.”

“When you’re not training, stay away from him.”

“You can’t control our lives like that. We’re all humans… social interaction is a normal activity.”

“I will have you dismissed if you do not comply with my instructions. In the first place, I could never understand how Bum Su could’ve chosen you as his replacement.”

“Obviously he saw something in me that you don’t.”

“Perhaps… stay away from Hee Chul. You hear me?”

“Arasoyo,” I said as I got up and walked back to my seat.

When I told Hee Chul about the incident with his manager, he agreed that we needed to keep some distance.

“I was worried that he would find out about you and Han Kyung,” he’d told me. “I’d kinda relieved that he thinks it’s me.”

“But I’m gonna get you in trouble.”

“It’ll be fine. We just need to keep away from each other. I think we looked too close to be friends, so his alarm bells went off. He’s always so… excessive. He overreacts a lot.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

Since then, Hee Chul and I only spoke when in a group. We stopped having our little private conversations away from the group and we didn’t even dare sit together when eating. Only when on outings, out of the manager’s eyes did we dare mingle. I told Han Kyung about it too, and all he could do was sigh and shake his head.

“The manager’s a little kooky sometimes,” Han Kyung said. “He must think you might ruin Hee Chul’s popularity if people think he has a girlfriend.”

“Does he honestly think that no one ever suspects that any of you have girlfriends?”

“He likes imagining that we don’t,” Han Kyung laughed. “Bie dan xin,” he said as he put an arm around me and pulled me close for a quick hug. “He won’t find us out.”

“What if he does? He’s going to put two and two together, and what if he thinks you had a hand in bringing me here since you knew me from back at the academy.”

“That’s ridiculous. I didn’t have that kind of power back then and neither do I have it now.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I smiled. “You’re like a local hero in China now. Think you’re not powerful?”

Han Kyung looked at me and I realized he was actually uncertain. Did he really underestimate his newfound fame? Then I remembered that this was how he is. Han Kyung would never imagine himself as the king of the world.

Despite their rising success after their appearance in Malaysia, Super Junior had tougher challenges in store for them. When we got back to Seoul, tragedies struck, one by one. Dong Hae’s father passed away, and we were all as grief stricken as he was. He’d been sick for sometime, and it had really affected Dong Hae’s spirits the whole time. But somehow, when on stage, he manages to put it aside and do his job. We’d been watching him with great concern all this time, and even though his father’s death wasn’t totally unexpected, it was still a shock to all of us.

“Himnae,” I said to him before he left for his hometown, and he nodded wordlessly.

“We’re here for you when you get back,” Si Won said as he gave Dong Hae a brotherly hug.

Practices were postponed so that most of us could attend the funeral. The crowd waiting outside was crazy. There were fans all over waiting to catch a glimpse of the celebrities attending the funeral and some even came up to ask for autographs.

“How can they be so disrespectful at a funeral?” Hee Chul said angrily.

“I know… I’m really shocked myself,” I said. “And those anti fans…” I sighed.

A group of anti-fans had appeared to create trouble, and that was really the most absurd and disrespectful thing I’ve ever seen. Did they think they were gangsters or something? Even gangsters had more respect for the dead.

We headed back to Seoul after the funeral, and Hee Chul was driving alone because he had somewhere else to go; that was when the 2nd unfortunate incident happened. Hee Chul was involved in a car accident. We were all shocked speechless when we heard the news.

All activities for Hee Chul were postponed. The doctor had ordered him to rest for at least 2 months. He was attempting to switch lanes when his tires malfunctioned, and fractured his femur when his car crashed. The good thing was that Super Junior Full House’s shoots had wrapped up and the bad news was that Hee Chul had to end his participation in Rainbow Romance, the drama he and Ki Bum was involved in.

When Super Junior went to Thailand as guest stars for the TVXQ concert, I volunteered to stay with Hee Chul since I knew he would be lonely.

“You should go with them,” Hee Chul said. “They need you… especially Han Kyung.”

“No they don’t,” I said. “They’ll be fine.”

“I’m a big boy,” he said.

“And that’s why I have to be here,” I smiled slyly. “You’re not man enough to be alone.”

“Aisshii…” he exclaimed, and laughed.

The night before they left, Han Kyung came to my apartment to spend the night.

“Take care of yourself,” he said.

“Araso,” I replied.

“And take care of that crazy boy,” he smiled.

“I will.”

Han Kyung had always told me stories of how Hee Chul scared him when he first came. He thought Hee Chul was off-the-rocker, and a certified loon, until he got to know him better. Si Won might be his best friend, but Hee Chul had been a brother to him as well.

I was there to see them off on the day they left.

“Bye guys,” I said as I went around patting their backs and giving them quick hugs.

Whenever we’re out of the public eye, we were much more affectionate than this, but because of the fans and their manager, they could only exercise that sort of affection between each other, and never with me, in public.

“Sure you don’t wanna come?” Ki Bum asked me.

“You guys will be fine,” I smiled. “You have Shin Dong and he’s ten times better than me.”

“Come on, nuna,” Shin Dong said. “You’re as good as me if not better.”

“Yea,” Eun Hyuk said. “Don’t let him get big-headed. He’s big enough,” he laughed.

“Be nice,” I told Eun Hyuk, and he gave me a sad face.

“I’ll see you guys in a few days,” I smiled.

I watched them walk into the immigration area before I walked off on my own. As I approached the door, a hand grabbed onto my shoulders and I turned around to find one of the managers behind me, the same manager who’d told me off about Hee Chul on the plane back from Kuala Lumpur.

“We need to talk, Sierra,” he said.

“I have nothing to say to you,” I said as I tried to brush him off.

“If you don’t come with me now, I’ll have you dismissed immediately, and you won’t even get to say goodbye to the boys.”

I stared at him, and yes, I’m always staring at him. What was this weirdo up to? What did he want now? I sighed and nodded, since I had no other option. He turned around and started walking, expecting me to follow. This doesn’t look like it’s headed to a happy ending for me.

Chinese Notes

Bie dan xin.
Don’t worry.

Chapter 13

2007-09-07T12:02:00.004+08:00

I was there purely to supervise the choreography. The boys were actually perfect and I really didn’t need to be there. The days were packed with continuous filming and photo shoots and on Friday night they had their debut performance in Malaysia at the Putra Indoor Stadium as special guests at TVXQ’s Rising Sun Concert in Malaysia. I was backstage helping out with whatever I could, and helping the guys with whatever last minute things they needed. Tonight, the atmosphere backstage was crazy, the running around and the pressure before the show started. It’s a wonder how no one has to yet to burst an artery.

One of the other perks of being their choreographer was that I get to mingle with huge stars like TVXQ, but most of the time, they’re too busy to talk to me, except for Jun Su, who often stopped to talk whenever he saw me.

“Yo! Sierra!” Jun Su smiled as he walked past me before the show started.

“Jun Su,” I smiled back.

“How does it feel to be home?” he asked me.

“I’ve been so busy, following the guys around the entire Kuala Lumpur, I’ve not had time to remember that I’m on home ground,” I laughed.

“I get what you’re saying. Sometimes, when I’m so busy, I actually forget where I am. Even when I’m at home the feeling doesn’t wear off until I finally get to bed,” he laughed.

“Funny,” I laughed. “I think your stylist wants you,” I said, as I noticed one of the stylists trying to get Jun Su’s attention.

“I’ll see you later,” he said, and he walked off.

The show was a success, and Malaysia loved both TVXQ and Super Junior. One of the highlights of the night was when Han Kyung spoke in Mandarin. The stadium went wild when they realized they could actually understand what he was saying. Super Junior performed Twins (Knockout) and Miracle.

“Good job!” they were all yelling backstage when the concert was over.

The concert ended with the guys goofing around, not singing, Show Me Your Love, and splashing water at the audience and each other. When they came backstage, they were kinda soaked.

“Sierra!” Hee Chul yelled and hugged me.

“Acck!!! Hee Chul!” I squealed as I tried to push his soaking body off me.

“Group hug!” Shin Dong yelled and he came towards us, together with Dong Hae, and hugged me and Hee Chul as I continued screaming.

“Hey guys,” Han Kyung laughed. “Break it off, or you’re not gonna hear the end of it all the way back to the hotel.”

“Right… right…” Dong Hae laughed and he backed off.

As the 3 of them stepped back, I looked down and surveyed my outfit. Sure enough, I was soaked with their sweat. There were wet patches on my shirt and pants.

“Yah!!!” I yelled, and I started laughing. “Michoso!” I added, before stomping off to pack up.

“Nuna,” Si Won called as he chased after me.

“Wae?” I said as I whirled around as I walked into one of the quieter corridors backstage.

“You’re not mad are you? You know the guys, they like to mess around.”

“Of course not,” I laughed. “Wasn’t I laughing back there?”

“I wasn’t sure. I just saw you stomping off,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s been almost a year with you guys. You think I’d sweat over small stuff like that?”

“Ah…” he laughed. “It is sweat.”

“Right,” I laughed. “You’d better go change. You’re gonna get sick, running around in your wet clothes.”

“Araso. See you in awhile.”

TVXQ left the concert venue, directly for the airport. They were taking the late flight back to Korea since they had a full schedule waiting for them. We were staying for the whole of tomorrow to finish up the shoot before we headed back.

We finally got back to the hotel, and we were all knocked out. I had to share a room with a few other female crew members while the guys shared rooms with each other. Somehow, my family had found out I was back and they insisted that I met them in the lobby of the hotel. On the way back to my room, Han Kyung’s room door opened and I was dragged into the room.

“Yah! What’s wrong with you?” I said as I smacked his arm.

“Waegeurae?” he just grinned.

Hee Chul and Si Won shared rooms with him as usual, and they were sitting on the bed watching the television whilst pretending to be indifferent to our exchange at the door.

“Your band mates are in the room, you know,” I reminded him, and he dragged me into the bathroom and closed the door.

“Better?” he said as he turned to face me.

“Michoso,” I laughed, and he laughed with me.

I pushed him back until his back slammed onto the door.

“Ah… that hurts,” he exclaimed.

“You asked for it,” I said.

“The guys would’ve heard that.”

“I don’t care,” I smiled and I kissed him.

We emerged from the bathroom sometime later, both looking disheveled and flushed. We’d tried to minimize the damage before we came out, but there was so much water, a comb and a blow dryer could do.

“Were you guys styling each other in there?” Hee Chul snickered.

“I heard this really loud bang on the door. Did anyone get hurt?” Si Won smiled knowingly.

“Your friend here wanted to practice his dance moves,” I said.

“Ooohh…” they both chorused.

“I’m going back to my room, and you guys should get some sleep. We still have a shoot at Putrajaya tomorrow.”

“Ne, oma…” Hee Chul said, as I walked towards the door.

“See you tomorrow,” Han Kyung said, and he gave a brief kiss before closing the door.

The next morning, everyone was up bright and early and we piled into the bus and headed to Putrajaya for the shoot. As expected, the guys probably stayed up most of the night because most of them looked drained this morning. They’d taken to putting on sunglasses to hide their eye bags and when on the set, they had makeup to save them.

“What time did you get to bed last night?” I asked Han Kyung in between his shoots, and he smiled sheepishly at me. “Look at yourself in the mirror,” I scolded softly. “You look wiped out.”

“Bu yao shen qi ya…” he pleaded. “They wanted to watch this movie on TV, and we ended up watching another after that.”

“English movies?”

“Chinese movies. Si Won and I spent the whole night translating for Hee Chul.”

“No wonder you’re wiped out,” I smiled.

As night approached, we wrapped up and headed for the airport. The flight wasn’t till 12am, so we hung out in the buses while waiting. The guys slept while waiting, and didn’t wake up until we brought them food. I’d gone off with the bus with a few PAs to get some takeaway food for the guys and the rest of the crew since I wanted to stretch my legs a little. My back was already aching from standing in the field all day and sitting in the bus for the rest of the evening.

“Sit with me,” Hee Chul said as I passed him a bag of burger and fries.

“You’re not stealing my fries,” I smirked at him.

“Wasn’t going to,” he said. “Just sit with me,” he said as he patted the seat beside him.

I guess I’ve mentioned once that Hee Chul and I were pretty close. I was younger than he is, but sometimes I feel he sometimes treats me like an older sister; could be because of my role as a trainer to Super Junior. Our closeness has also lead to speculation that we were actually a couple, but only the members of Super Junior knew what was up, and made sure that no one knew better. Kyu Hyun was still a little clueless, but we’d have to tell him soon.

“You gonna miss home?” he said as he bit into his burger.

“Not so much,” I said as I sipped my soda.

“I’ve only been gone from home for a few days and I miss it already. How is it that you don’t miss yours at all?”

“I’ve been gone for too long. It doesn’t make a difference to me anymore,” I said.

“Oh, right. I forgot you’ve lived in Beijing for 3 years. So do you plan to extend your contract with SM?” he asked me.

“I don’t know. Maybe SM wouldn’t want me after 2 years.”

“It’s been almost a year already, hasn’t it?”

“Almost… I watched you guys debut, remember?”

“I remember,” he smiled.

“I gotta go see to some stuff. I’ll catch you guys later, on the plane,” I said as I got up and left the bus.

I had a meeting with a friend. A friend I’d not seen in 4 years. I walked took the elevator up to the departure hall and walked to the Marché Café where my friend waited, as I approached, I saw Winnie, my best friend from my dance academy in Malaysia.

“Sierra!” Winnie exclaimed as she hugged me.

“How are you, Winnie?” I smiled as I hugged her back.

“Great!” she replied. “Omigod… I’m so envious of your life. You get to work, eat and sleep next to Super Junior.”

“Work and eat, yes. Sleep, no,” I laughed.

“I guess it was really a great move, you going to the Beijing Dance Academy,” she said.

“I guess so,” I smiled.

“Hello, Sierra,” a familiar voice suddenly came from behind me.

I turned around to find Ryan, my ex-boyfriend, standing behind me.

“Winnie,” I turned back to look at her. “What’s Ryan doing here?”

“Oh… I…” she said.

“Winnie and I are together now,” he said.

I looked back and forth at the both of them for a moment, trying to take in the scene before me. Winnie and Ryan? They’re together now? For how long? Why didn’t Winnie ever said a thing in her emails?

Chinese Notes

Bu yao shen qi ya…
Don’t be angry…

Chapter 12

2007-09-01T21:27:00.004+08:00

We are at the set of Inkigayo today, where Super Junior will be performing ‘U’, and Hee Chul had been emceeing since February. Anya and Eva had surprised them by bringing them kimbap before the show. They were filming an episode of Super Junior Full House on the Inkigayo set today, so Han Kyung and I couldn’t really speak at all since he had to interact with the others for the taping.

They were goofing around, eating and laughing happily. I stayed in the shadows, out of the cameras, and Han Kyung, as he always does, sneaked glances as me. I glared at him briefly on one occasion, and he puffed up his cheeks in defiance at me. He was facing someone else when he did that, but we both knew he’d meant the gesture for me. I waved, and walked out of the room so that I didn’t have to feel so left out.

“Nuna,” Si Won came to me a few minutes later.

“Wae?”

“Han Kyung wanted me to pass this to you,” he said as he handed me a wad of tissue paper.

“Are you asking me to throw your rubbish for you now?” I asked, pretending to be offended.

“Andwae… open it,” he said, and that was when I realized there was something wrapped in the tissue.

I unwrapped it. In it was a slice of kimbap with the carrots and cucumbers rearranged and pressed back into the rice to show a frowning face.

“Hwanajima,” Si Won smiled. “Han Kyung sent me with this message,” he laughed, then he walked off.

I smiled as I looked back down at the kimbap in my hand, and then back up at Si Won’s back as he walked away. There wasn’t a day that these guys didn’t make me smile.

Later on, I watched as they walked onto the stage to perform ‘U’. Anya and Eva sat with the fans and waved blue balloons with them. Sometimes, I wish I could sit there and do the same, but I was a staff, and even if I was able to wave the blue balloon, it will be with the identity of a fan, and never of Han Kyung’s girlfriend.

I was backstage helping out the PAs when we heard a huge commotion.

“What’s going on?” I asked as I looked at the PAs with me.

“Mollayo,” one of them said as she craned her neck to see what was going on.

Then, we saw the guys come in. People were congratulating them as they came in. Si Won, Kang In, Shin Dong and Ee Teuk were crying.

“Waegeurae?” I asked Kyu Hyun as he walked past.

“We won, nuna,” he said tearfully. “We won!”

“Yaa!!!” I screamed in excitement. “Chintcha??!!” And Kyu Hyun nodded.

“Ch’uk’ahamnida!” I said as I hugged him.

It was their first Mutizen award since their debut; I could understand why they were over the moon. I looked up to search for Han Kyung, he wasn’t crying, but he looked as ecstatic as the others were. I longed to run toward him and hug him, but because of the cameras, I couldn’t. For a moment during the commotion, our eyes met, and he smiled warmly at me. I nodded, to acknowledge what his smile said.

“Ch’uk’ahamnida,” I mouthed at him.

“Wo ai ni,” he mouthed back.

The date for Super Junior to visit Malaysia finally rolled around. I was on the flight, on the 10th of July, sitting somewhere behind with the other staff. Super Junior sat in one area, together. We were traveling ahead of TVXQ, who will only arrive in Malaysia on the 12th for the concert. On the agenda of this trip was the filming of the ‘Dancing Out’ MV. Super Junior’s video for a song featured in the 2007 Summer SM Town compilation album. And also a Super Junior’s first photo book, Boys in the City.

During the middle of the flight, just as I was about to walk into the toilet, Han Kyung rushed at me pushing me into the toilet with him and closing the door.

“Ni feng le?” I exclaimed at him. “We’re gonna be in trouble if we get caught.”

“Hehe,” he laughed. “Wo bu guan,” he added, and he kissed me.

“Ni shi bien tai le ma?” I hissed at him as I pulled away.

I’ll admit that the adrenaline surge from doing this was making me really high. But the fear of getting caught was stronger, so I tried to push him off.

“I just want a minute with you,” he said, looking a little bewildered from my rough reaction.

“But not in the toilet, on the plane!” I half yelled at him. “What do you take me for? Ni dang wo shi shen me?”

“Dui bu qi,” he said, and he put his arms around me.

“Bien tai!” I scolded him.

“Dui bu qi ya…” he whined as he pulled me close for a hug. “I just missed you to much. I didn’t get to see you alone for the past few days while preparing for this trip.”

“I know, I know… I missed you too,” I said, and I hugged him back.

He tilted my head up and kissed me again. This time, I returned his kiss. This is really kinda fun, kissing in the toilet on an airplane, albeit being a little unhygienic.

“Hyung!” we heard Si Won tap on the door. “I know you’re in there. Get out now. The manager’s coming.”

We quickly opened the door and I pushed Han Kyung out as fast as I could.

“Thanks, Si Won,” I said, before I closed the door.

“Is there someone in the toilet?” I heard the manager say moments later. “Why are you all lining up here?”

“Someone’s been in there for ages,” Si Won said, laughing.

“Really?” the manager said, and then, I opened the door.

“Sorry,” I smiled, and started walking back to my seat.

After that close call, the rest of the flight was uneventful as Han Kyung kept his distance in case the manager caught on. Other than when we had an impromptu birthday celebration for Hee Chul, we didn’t come close to each other.

“Thanks guys,” Hee Chul laughed and I tossed him a small box.

“Saengil ch’uk’ahae!” I said.

“What’s this? You actually bought me a present?” he said incredulously as he shook the box.

“Yes I did, Cinderella,” I laughed.

“Thanks, Little Mermaid,” he said.

He’d taken to call me a the Little Mermaid, in line with his usual Disney nicknames, because he insists that I’m not human, and that I’m probably from the sea or something, the main reason being my signature dance steps.

“You dance like a fish,” he once told me.

“Huh?”

“You’re all flowy and it’s like as if you were dancing underwater or something,” he said.

“How would you know how it is to be dancing underwater?” I asked him.

“I don’t,” he said.

“Then why do you say I do?”

“You just look like it to me,” he laughed, and that was the only explanation he ever really offered for his nickname for me.

The plane finally landed in the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) and it was almost 12am. As we alighted the plane, the sense of familiarity overwhelmed me. I’m home after years of being abroad.

“Kwaench’ana?” Si Won asked me as I stopped just outside the gate, before we entered the airport area where all the restaurants and shops were.

“Kwaench’ana,” I smiled. “It’s just strange to be back home after so many years.”

“I bet it is,” he smiled. “Come on,” he said, and steered me gently, by the elbow, to catch up with the rest.

“Mei shi ma?” Han Kyung asked me as I caught up with him.

“Mei shi,” I smiled. “Just didn’t realize how much I missed home.”

“I’d almost forgotten this is where you’re really from. I’ve always felt as if you were from Beijing, like I was,” he laughed softly. “Do you want to get anything from the shops? Will you be meeting your family?”

“Probably not, since our schedule is so tight.”

“You sure?”

“Yes,” I replied and punched him affectionately.

At the immigration, Han Kyung ran into some visa problems.

“You guys go ahead and board the bus to the hotel,” one of the managers said. “We’ll catch up with you guys later.”

We were pleasantly surprised by the turnout of fans who’d come to see Super Junior. We’d initially thought that Super Junior was pretty unknown in Malaysia, but it turns out that they were almost on par with TXVQ. We were stalked all the way to the Regent Hotel, and at the hotel, there were fans crowded at the door.

“I didn’t think we were that famous,” Ee Teuk said.

“You’re as famous as TVXQ in Malaysia,” I said.

“I wouldn’t be too sure,” Ee Teuk said.

“Of course you guys are. Or else, why would there be people chasing you like this?”

It wasn’t till 4am that Han Kyung was released, and despite having reached the hotel at 5 am, he had to join the team for the shoot the next morning. The photo shoot and also the filming of their ‘Dancing Out’ MV was held at the KLCC Park.

“It’s so hot!!!” the guys were yelling between breaks.

“Take off your shirts,” I laughed from the sidelines. “Make your fans go crazy.”

Groups of fans had followed us here and were watching from afar. The crew had to make sure they didn’t rush forward and interrupt the photo shoot or filming process. During their breaks, there were fans who managed to get close enough to talk to the guys, and I just smirked whenever any of them caught my eye. It was so cute how they were so excited and happy with the attention they were getting. Malaysia would definitely be a memorable place for them.

“Shing bu shing?” I asked Han Kyung, who looked visibly tired.

“I had a nap on the sofa at the coffee place, with Kang In,” he laughed.

“You guys didn’t get jumped on?” I laughed.

“Nope” he laughed as he stretched. “Turns out, Malaysian fans are pretty tame.”

“You just haven’t been attacked,” I laughed. “Wait till you meet some desperate, stalker fan,” I warned him, and he just laughed and nudged me playfully.

Chinese Notes:

Wo ai ni.
I love you.

Ni feng le?
Have you gone mad?

Wo bu guan.
I don’t care.

Ni shi bien tai le ma?
Have you gone insane ?

Ni dang wo shi shen me?
What do you take me for?

Dui bu qi.
I’m sorry.

Bien tai!
Insane / crazy / sick!

Dui bu qi ya…
I’m sorry…

Mei shi ma?
Is everything alright? / Is there a problem?

Mei shi.
No problem.

Shing bu shing?
Can you handle it? / Can you carry on?

Chapter 11

2007-08-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

Hee Chul was the first to burst out laughing, and the rest of the guys followed.

“What’s going on?” I said. I was lost.

“Do you know that the both of you are so adorable?” Ee Teuk said as he came up to us, laughing.

“What are you talking about?” I said.

“We've suspected for awhile that the both of you had something going on,” he explained.

“Si Won,” Han Kyung said as he glared at him.

“I didn’t say anything,” Si Won quickly defended himself. “They knew, and even when they discussed it, I just kept to myself,” he added.

“Yah!” Dong Hae yelled and smacked Si Won. “How could you keep this from us?”

“I had to. Or hyung would’ve killed me,” he laughed.

“Don’t worry,” Eun Hyuk said as he patted my shoulder. “We’ll keep this from the management.”

“Yea, don’t worry,” Sung Min piped in.

“So do we get to hear your story now?” Ryeo Wook asked.

“What story?” I said.

“How you both met, duh…” Hee Chul said.

I kept silent and looked around the room. All 11 guys looked on expectantly, waiting for Han Kyung and me to tell our story. Was it right? Should we really come clean? Before I could say anything, Han Kyung walked up beside me and put his arm around my shoulders.

“We went to the same school,” he said, and the guys started to chatter excitedly.

“Yah… so did you plan to come here and meet hyung?” Ye Sung asked.

“Did you know she was coming?” Ryeo Wook asked.

We spent part of the afternoon telling the guys everything. How we’d been in the same school, lived in the same hostel, how Han Kyung had left and how Fate had arranged for me to meet him here again.

“Honestly,” Eun Hyuk said. “You guys did a great job hiding your relationship.”

“Then how did you guys find out?” I asked him.

“Shin Dong was the one who suspected you were dating someone, since you told him you had no one. He didn’t believe you,” Eun Hyuk said.

“Shin Dong!” I exclaimed. “How could you?”

“You were lying, and I was nosy,” he laughed.

“And then, Han Kyung started disappearing every night,” Hee Chul said. “So we kinda pieced it together, and one day, we decided to trail him, just for the fun of it.”

“It was just 2 of us,” Ki Bum said. “We know of the risks of fans trailing us while we trailed hyung.”

“You guys are nuts,” I smiled.

“Then we found out that he was visiting you,” Hee Chul said.

“At first we thought that maybe he just wanted to meet you since you guys had a lot in common,” Ki Bum said. “But then, why the secrecy?”

“Yea… then we caught him staring at you while shooting ‘Show Me Your Love’,” Ye Sung laughed.

“See!” I said, and I smacked Han Kyung. “I told you someone would notice.”

“Aaah…” Han Kyung exclaimed and rubbed his arm. “Why didn’t you tell me they were onto us?” Han Kyung asked as he turned to Si Won and smacked him.

“I didn’t think there was any harm of them knowing, since I noticed that your relationship with nuna was pretty stable,” Si Won replied as he too rubbed his arm.

“He didn’t say anything,” Ki Bum said. “We found out on our own.”

“So what do you guys plan to do?” Kang In asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

“Huh?” some of them exclaimed.

“You guys have just debuted. I don’t want to kill your careers, especially Han Kyung’s. That’s why we didn’t say anything.”

“You really think the fans would mind that he has a girlfriend?” Sung Min asked.

“Even if they didn’t, it’s because they love him, and they will kill me,” I laughed.

“That’s not funny,” Han Kyung said.

“I think the first person to get upset would be our manager,” Ee Teuk said. “You guys had better continue being discreet.”

“You hear that?” I said as I turned to Han Kyung.

“Araso,” he mumbled.

“Hey… let’s get back to work,” Shin Dong said as he got up.

“Shiro… I wanna hear more,” Hee Chul whined.

“Get up, hyung,” Ki Bum laughed.

And we carried on with our practice session.

A few months later, there was an unexpected change to Super Junior. The management decided to add a new member to the group, who will be debuting in Super Junior’s upcoming single, U.

“This is Cho Kyu Hyun,” their manager introduced to me, and Kyu Hyun bowed.

“Pangapseumnida,” I smiled. “I’m Sierra.”

With the addition of Kyu Hyun, Han Kyung and I no longer had the freedom to be a couple during the rehearsals. Then again, we pretty much just dance during rehearsals, and we barely have time to play around. Since we didn’t know Kyu Hyun well, we decided that we couldn’t allow him to know about us until we could trust him.

“Do you know what Kyu Hyun asked Sung Min today?” Han Kyung said, one night, at my apartment.

“What?”

“He asked if you and Hee Chul were dating,” Han Kyung laughed.

“Why would he think that?”

“Cos you and Hee Chul are always chatting and gossiping and sitting really close to each other,” he said.

“We are?”

“Shi de,” he said.

“Ni chi chu ya?” I smiled.

“Why would I be jealous?” he huffed.

“Aa… mianhae,” I teased as I pinched his cheek.

“What?” he said.

“I won’t do it again,” I smiled.

“I’m not jealous,” he exclaimed.

“Okay, okay, you’re not,” I laughed, and he growled at me.

“I’m really okay with you and Hee Chul being close,” he said.

“Why? Are you planning to give me to him?”

“He wouldn’t want you,” he laughed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He likes someone else.”

“He does? Who?”

“Bu yao gao su ni,” he said in a singsong voice.

“Wei shen me?” I wailed.

“Cos you’ll blab,” he said.

“No, I won’t!” I gasped. How can you even accuse me of being a blabber? You’re the blabber.”

“No, I’m not, you are,” he said, and we spent the rest of the night arguing and teasing each other over everything we could think of.

Come to think of it, I was very close to Hee Chul. I guess it’s because we’re more of the same age group, but he sure doesn’t feel older than I am. He was the craziest guy I’ve ever met. His face was always the topic of jests. Because he had such fine and feminine features, they loved to make him the girl when they had role playing games. I wonder if Hee Chul ever minded. I guess not, since he always spontaneously took up the role whenever they goofed around. This was especially obvious when they were filming Super Junior Full House.

I’ve only met Anya and Eva on several occasions because they happened to appear at events where I was there to supervise Super Junior’s routines.

“Nuna,” Kang In had brought them to me to introduce us to each other. “This is Anya and Eva, our co-stars in Super Junior Full House.”

“Annyeong haseyo,” they both said and bowed slightly.

“Nice to meet you,” I said in English, and smiled when their eyes became as large as saucers.

“Oh… yong-o!” Anya said.

“Nae,” I replied.

“You speak English?” Eva asked me.

“I do. I’m not Korean,” I explained.

“Oh…” the both of them chorused.

“Nuna is our choreographer. She’s from Malaysia, but graduated from the Beijing Dance Academy.”

“Isn’t that the same academy Han Kyung went to?” Eva remarked.

“Erm… It is,” I said.

“Did you know him from back then?”

I looked at Kang In and he just shrugged. He didn’t know if we could tell them the truth either.

“We weren’t close, and he left the academy for Korea before I graduated,” I lied.

“I see,” Eva said.

“Well it’s nice meeting you. I need to go check on some stuff,” I excused myself.

“Of course. We’ll talk to you some other time,” Anya said.

“Annyeong,” I smiled and waved, then walked off.

Chinese Notes:

Shi de.
Yes.

Ni chi chu ya?
Are you jealous?

Bu yao gao su ni.
I’m not gonna tell you.

Wei shen me?
Why not?

Please hold...

2007-03-13T00:11:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,

After careful consideration, I have decided to hit the 'Pause' button on this fiction at Chapter 10 (my latest chapter). I feel that I do not know enough about Super Junior to continue writing this fiction. Hence, I will be taking a short break where I will attempt to finish writing Helpless, one of my running fictions, and to read up on our 13 delightful boys.

I think it is vital for me to do proper research on my characters so that I can continue bringing all of you my best works. So please bear with me for I feel like I'm not writing from my heart when I do not know my characters well enough.

I will be sure to contact you once I start posting from Chapter 11. Please drop me an email if you wish to be notified.

Thank you for your support thus far ^^ Please continue to support my fictions!!!

-Sierra-

Chapter 10

2007-03-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as Han Kyung walked through my door.

He looked tired and somewhat upset.

“I made a fool of myself today,” he grumbled.

“How?” I asked him, and he started to tell me everything.

He’d just come back from filming an episode of the game show, Love Letter.

“Ho Dong hyung wanted me to introduce the game in Chinese, and I flubbed it. I couldn’t remember my Chinese.”

“How?”

“He has this part where he says ‘Chunbi toessoyo?’, and he goes like ‘Chun, chun, chun, chun’ before he says it. I was thinking that the ‘chun’ was just a Korean expression.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t think that the ‘chun’ was part of ‘chunbi’, and I just copied him when I was supposed to say it in Chinese. And he was like, ‘Say it in Chinese,’, and I told him there wasn’t such an expression in Chinese.”

Just then, I understood what his mistake was and I laughed.

“It’s not funny,” he said. “I was so embarrassed. I realized only after the show that the ‘chun’ was equivalent to the Chinese ‘zhun’ from ‘zhun bei’. Dammit!”

“So you could’ve gone like ‘zhun, zhun, zhun, zhun’?” I laughed.

“Yea,” he smiled a little.

“Show me how he did it,” I asked.

“No,”

“Come on,” I said.

“Bu yao,” he said adamantly.

“Lai ba,” I pleaded. “Bie zhe yang…”

“Bu yao…” he whined.

“Lai ba…” I pleaded again, and he gave a loud sigh.

“Chun, chun, chun, chun, chunbi toessoyo…” he went, and I fell off the bed laughing hysterically.

“Tian ya…” I exclaimed. “It’s so funny…”

“Sure… laugh at me,” he said, trying to look upset, but his lips were twitching as he tried to control his laughter.

“When will this episode be broadcasted?” I asked him. “I must watch it.”

“I’m not telling you,” he said.

“Then I’ll ask Hee Chul. He was with you, wasn’t he?” I smirked.

“Don’t ask him!” he exclaimed.

“I’m gonna ask him,” I said in a sing-song voice.

“If you ask him, wo bu hui fang guo ni,” he said in a serious tone.

“What are you gonna do to me?” I said as I planted my hands on my hips.

“This,” he said, and he rushed at me and tackled me onto my bed.

“Yah… shen jing bing!” I yelled as I giggled.

“Shi de. Wo you mao bing,” he laughed, and he kissed me lightly on the lips.

“Don’t kiss me! I don’t want to be infected.”

“You already are,” he said, and he gave an evil laugh.

“You really are sick,” I smiled.

“And it’s all your fault,” he said, and he buried his face in my neck.

“Ni zai gan ma?” I giggled as he nuzzled my neck.

“I’m gonna eat you up, chi diao ni,” he murmured.

“Aaah,” I squealed. “Bu yao…” I giggled.

“Ni mei xuan ze,” he said in his mock-sinister tone.

I sighed with pleasure, as he continued doing what he did. Times like this made all our secrecy feel that it was worth it. But there were times when the secrecy made things hard to bear.

We were training the next day, when Hee Chul made a remark to Han Kyung.

“Ya… how about that Ayumi, I think she likes you,” he said as he patted Han Kyung on the back.
“It was just for the benefit of the show,” Han Kyung replied nervously, since I was around.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Han Kyung got real cosy with Ayumi during the recording yesterday,” Hee Chul said.

“Shuddup Hee Chul,” Han Kyung said, his face turning red.

“What?” Hee Chul said, looking confused.

We’d still not told any of the guys about us. I guess it’s understandable for Hee Chul to tease Han Kyung about yesterday’s recording, but it made me wonder how close Han Kyung had gotten to Ayumi.

“There’s nothing between us,” Han Kyung said, probably for my benefit.

“But she chose you twice. Didn’t she choose you during the last recording of Love Letter as well.”

“There was no one else, I guess,” he said.

“Ya… don’t be coy now,” Hee Chul teased.

“Hyung, stop it,” Si Won cut in.

“Huh?” Hee Chul exclaimed, puzzled that now Si Won was also involved in the conversation.

“Keumanhae,” Si Won said.

“What’s with you guys today?” Hee Chul huffed, and he walked off.

Si Won looked back and forth between Han Kyung and I, sighed, and walked off.

“You’ve got some explaining to do later,” I said softly so that only Han Kyung could hear, and I too walked off.

We were training for the routine for Miracle. In huge contrast to the hard beats of TWINS, Miracle was a light and fluffy song, and the guys had lots of fun dancing to it. It was scheduled for release late 2005, and they had to juggle promoting Show Me Your Love while preparing for the release of this new MV.

During our break, Han Kyung caught up with me as I was on my way to the toilet.

“Sierra,” he said as he grabbed me by the arm.

“What?” I said, and I pulled my arm away. “Don’t do that,” I hissed. “Someone will see.”

“I don’t care,” he said as he grabbed both my arms this time, and pulled me close.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked him as I tried to free myself from his grasp.

“You have to believe me. There’s nothing going on between Ayumi and me,” he said.

“I didn’t say I didn’t believe you.”

“Then what’s up with the ‘You’ve got some explaining to do.’ statement?” he said.

“I just wanted to know exactly what happened; what was so juicy about the whole recording that Hee Chul got so excited.”

“Then don’t talk like that,” he said.

“Talk like what?”

“Like you doubt me.”

“Ni xiang tai duo le,” I said.

“You’re making this hard for me,” he said.

“How am I doing that? I’m not doing anything but waiting for you each night. What else am I doing?”

“You’re driving me mad. This is driving me mad. I’m going to tell the guys about us. I can’t hide it anymore,” he said.

He released me and started walking back to the studio.

“Don’t, Han Kyung,” I said as I chased after him.

Damn his long legs. He just had to walk briskly and I had to run to catch up. He burst into the studio room, stunning everyone in it, and by the time I ran up next to him, he’d said what he shouldn’t have.

“Sierra and I are dating,” he announced to the whole room.

“Han Kyung, are you crazy? Don’t listen to him,” I told the guys.

“Chintcha! We’re dating,” he said.

“Are you trying to get me killed?” I asked him. “You must hate me, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about? I’m not trying to get you killed. I just want us to stop pretending.”
“What’s there to pretend when there is nothing between us in the first place?” I tried to lie convincingly to try and salvage the situation.

“Stop it, Sierra. Stop talking like that,” he said.

“Erm, hyung…” Si Won said, as he tapped on Han Kyung shoulder.

“What?” we both yelled together, startling Si Won.

Only then did I notice that the guys were staring at us, their lips twitching as if trying to control their laughter. Was the scene that Han Kyung and I just made so funny?

Chinese Notes:

Zhun bei.
Get ready.

Lai ba…
Come on…

Tian ya…
Gawd… (God…)

Bie zhe yang…
Don’t be like that…

Wo bu hui fang guo ni.
I won’t let you off.

Shen jing bing.
Crazy.

Shi de. Wo you mao bing.
Yes, that's right. I have a disease / I’m sick

Ni zai gan ma?
What are you doing?

Chi diao ni.
(I'll) Eat you up.

Ni mei xuan ze.
You have no choice.

Ni xiang tai duo le.
You think too much.

Chapter 9

2007-03-08T08:09:00.000+08:00

“Nuna,” Kang In called out to me.

“What?”

“How do you do that turn and that arm movement again?”

“You’re doing it already. You just got the timing wrong. Move forward on 1, turn on two, arms out and move it like this, 3 and 4,” I counted as I demonstrated.

“Oh… I see,” he smiled, and he repeated that part of the routine for me, perfectly.

“Hey guys… get on the set,” Shin Dong yelled.

We were filming the MV for ‘Show Me Your Love’ today. ‘Show Me Your Love’ was the title track for Super Junior’s collaboration with TVXQ, their label mate and currently the top band in Korea. This was the first time I had the chance to meet TVXQ. In the past, we’d bumped into each other when I traveled around with Super Junior, but this time, I was properly introduced.

“Nuna,” Dong Hae said, “This is Yun Ho, Yoo Chun, Jun Su, Chang Min and Jae Joong.”

“Annyeong,” Yun Ho smiled.

“Annyeong,” I said.

“You guys have to call her nuna,” Dong Hae said.

“You’re older than us?” Yoo Chun said. “You don’t look like you are.”

“Komawo,” I smiled.

“Yah… Yoo Chun…” Jun Su exclaimed. “Don’t start putting your charms on her. You’re such a flirt.”

“I’m just being friendly,” Yoo Chun defended himself.

“Yea… right,” Jun Su teased.

“I am!” Yoo Chun insisted.

“It’s alright,” I laughed. “I get that from the guys every day.”

“I can imagine your frustration,” Yun Ho laughed.

“Where are you from, nuna?” Chang Min asked me.

“I’m Malaysian.”

“Oh!! Chintchayo?” Chang Min exclaimed.

“I heard we might have a concert tour there next year,” Jae Joong said.

“That’s nice,” I smiled.

“It’s still not confirmed. We’ll need to hear the final word from the management before we can say for sure,” Jae Joong added.

“I want to go traveling,” Jun Su said.

“Is the weather in Malaysia as hot as in Korea during the summer?” Yun Ho asked me.

“It’s hot all year round in Malaysia,” I said.

“That’s nice,” Jun Su said. “I wanna go to the beach when I get there.”

“It really depends on which city you’re going to. You’ll be far from the beach if you’re in Kuala Lumpur, the capital city.”

“Really? Aww…” Jun Su said.

I watched from afar as the guys sang and danced for the camera. We’d done the outdoor filming for the video last week. This week was the indoor setting, mainly for the introduction of the song. During one of their short breaks where the director was directing Hee Chul on what he had to do, I caught Han Kyung looking at me. I glared at him and mouthed for him to stop, because he was blatantly staring, and someone might notice. He just smiled and winked, and I had to laugh. I couldn’t get upset with him when he was being adorable. Up till now, only Si Won knew about us, and we did not intend to tell the rest yet. I wondered if they’d caught on by now. If they had, they’re putting on a good show, pretending not to know.

Once, while we were mapping out some choreography together, Shin Dong asked me some probing questions.

“Nuna,” he said. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Huh? Why do you ask?” I looked at him, puzzled.

“I just wonder what you do each day when you get home, especially when you’re not with us. Don’t you get bored?”

“No,” I smiled. “You guys put enough on my mind to entertain me until I go to bed.”

“I don’t believe you,” he said. “I’m sure you bring some guy home every night,” he teased.

“Do I look like that sort of girl to you?” I said as I planted my hands on my hips.

“But don’t you get lonely?”

“I have 12 good looking guys whom I see each day,” I laughed. “Why would I be lonely?”

“Have you dated before, nuna? You’re seriously scaring me. You really don’t have a life besides us?”

“I dated a long time ago… and I haven’t gotten over him,” I smiled. I was telling the truth. I was so not over Han Kyung yet.

Han Kyung had been coming over to my place whenever he could, since the day of our ‘reunion’. We’d eat together, talk, watch the television and once or twice, we went out to watch a movie. Since his debut, we limited our activities to the walls of my apartment. We didn’t even dare to drop by the nearby convenience stores or ramen shops, together, in case someone spotted him. Then there was the fear of him being trailed by fans.

“I can’t stand this,” he said, one day. “I’m sick of us hiding.”

“You’ve just debuted. We can’t just walk out of here hand in hand. Do you want me dead?”

“Do I even have that many fans? Let alone crazy fans.”

“You know better than me,” I said, and he sighed.

“How long do we need to keep this up?” he said.

“Until the time is right,” I said, and I reach out my hand to stroke his cheek. “Bu yao zhe yang,” I said softly.

“You think I want to be?” he said as he pulled me into his arms to hug me tightly.

“Wo zhi dao…” I said as I tightened my arms around his waist and rested my head against his chest. “Let’s not think about it. The most important thing is that we are together.”

“I guess,” he sighed. “Wo ai ni,” he said, as he kissed the top of my head.

“Ai si ni,” I said, as I looked up and smiled at him, and he smiled back.

I pulled him down until his lips were just a millimeter away. His lips were slightly parted, and I could feel his breath against my lips. I licked his lips lightly, with the tip of my tongue, and then I kissed him for real.

“You’re really improving,” he said, as he breathed a little heavier than normal.

We’d been kissing like crazy for the past few minutes. For some reason, I felt like being wild and passionate, and he’d reciprocated in whatever manner I’d initiated.

“We’re not 18 or 19 anymore,” I smiled. “You still want those innocent little kisses?”

“It’s nice sometimes, but I definitely don’t mind this new style we have,” he grinned as his hands caressed my hips lightly.

“Watch where you put your hands,” I warned him, as I giggled.

“I know where I’m putting them,” he said softly.

“Pyeont’ae,” I said.

“Who taught you that?” he asked me.

“It’s an essential word to learn. I didn’t need anyone to teach me.”

“It must’ve been Kang In or Hee Chul,” he laughed.

“Whatever you say,” I sighed, as his hands continued to move across my thighs, and back up till my waist.

“You like that?” he asked, as his lips came to nibble my neck lightly.

“Nomu choa,” I replied.

“You drive me crazy when you speak Korean,” he murmured against my neck.

“Then would you prefer to date a Korean girl?” I asked him.

“I want a Chinese girl who speaks Korean,” he replied as he continued working his magic on me.

“Then you’ve got what you wanted,” I smiled.

Chinese Notes:

Bu yao zhe yang.
Don’t be like that.

Wo zhi dao…
I know…

Ai si ni.
(I) love you to death.

Chapter 8

2007-03-03T18:41:00.000+08:00

“Erm… Si Won,” Han Kyung mumbled again.

“What’s going on? Did you guys used to know each other or something?” Si Won asked.

I looked at Han Geng, and he looked back at me. Could we trust Si Won to keep the secret?

“It’s complicated,” I told Si Won.

“Try me,” he said, as he folded his arms at his chest.

“Yes, we knew each other. But I had no idea that she'd joined SM until I walked into the studio today,” Han Geng said in one go.

“So you guys used to date?’ Si Won asked. Han Geng and I just nodded.

“Are you gonna tell your manager?” I asked him.

“Of course not,” he smiled. “So are you guys back together now?”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” I asked Si Won.

“Han Kyung has always seemed a little lonely. I can see why now. Turns out he was missing you all along,” he winked.

“Si Won, just tell them that I’ll be out in a moment. Make some excuse for me,” Han Geng said.

“No problem,” and he turned to leave.

“Si Won,” Han Geng called out just before he walked out.

“Wae?” he said as he turned around.

“Can you keep this to yourself for now?”

“Sure,” Si Won replied.

“Sierra and I still have some unfinished discussions. I’ll talk to the other guys once Sierra and I have resolved our problems.”

“Okay,” he said. “Bye Sierra,” he waved before walking out.

“Can we trust Si Won?” I asked Han Geng.

“He’s my closest friend. We can trust him.”

“You should go now, before anyone gets suspicious,” I said.

“I don’t feel like leaving.”

“You must,” I insisted.

“Where are you living? I’ll come see you tonight.”

I dug through my bag for a piece of paper and wrote down my address for him.

“Hmm… I’m not sure exactly where this is,” he laughed.

“It’s about half an hour from here,” I said.

“It’s alright. I’ll ask Si Won or one of the guys,” he said.

“Go now,” I urged him. “I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“Alright,” he smiled. “I’ll see you tonight,” he said and he kissed my forehead.

“Kuai chu ba,” I said as I pushed him out of the studio.

“Sierra,” he popped his head in at the door just as I turned around to pick up my bag.

“Yes?”

“I love your new hairstyle,” he smiled.

“Really?” I smiled, as I touched my hair consciously.

“Yes,” he said. “I’ve always thought that you’d look hotter with short hair.”

“Thanks.”

“Bye…” he waved, and he disappeared.

When I walked out of the building, I realized that it was still early. I had almost half a day ahead of me. I walked back in and asked the receptionist for directions to the nearest supermarket near my place. After she’d drawn me a map with directions, I walked out and hailed a taxi. Starting from tomorrow, I should probably start using public transportation. I don’t think my salary can support daily taxi rides.

2 hours later, I struggled to open the door of my apartment while holding a few bags of groceries. I stumbled into my apartment with the bags and after dumping them on the kitchen floor, I walked over and collapsed onto my bed. Han Geng hadn’t said if he was coming for dinner. He’d probably have dinner before he came. I should probably stop calling him Han Geng since no one calls him that here.

I was eating my bowl of ramen when my doorbell buzzed. I peered into the peephole and saw that it was Han Kyung.

“Hi,” I smiled as I opened the door.

“Hi,” he smiled back.

“Erm… come in,” I said as I stepped aside so that he could walk in the door.

I couldn’t understand why I was feeling nervous. He was just here to talk, or do whatever. Why did it feel like the first time I saw him, the first time he kissed me, the first time he told me he loved me?

“Nice place,” he said as he looked around.

“Xie xie,” I smiled.

“You’re eating?” he asked as he spotted my bowl on ramen on the counter.

“Yea,” I said. “Sit anywhere,” I laughed nervously. “I’m just gonna finish up and I’ll join you.”

“Man man chi,” he said. “I’ll be fine.”

I ate as fast as I could, washed my bowl and went to sit beside him on the floor in front of my bed. He was sitting on one of the throw pillows on the floor with his back leaning against the foot of my bed.

“Guo lai,” he said as he motioned for me to sit closer.

As I inched over, he put his arm around me and pulled me so close that I was almost sitting on his lap.

“What are you doing?” I said, almost in a whisper.

“What I’ve always done,” he whispered back and he kissed me.

Sometime later, we lay on my bed; my head on his chest and he had one arm around me.

“How’s it gonna be from now on?” I asked him as my hand traced the motive printed on his t-shirt.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re just gonna be quiet about us? And you’re gonna keep coming to visit me like this?”

“I guess,” he sighed.

“I feel like somebody’s mistress,” I laughed.

“When the time is right, we don’t need to hide anymore,” he said.

“You mean when you retire?”

“I won’t wait that long. I plan to start a family within the next 10 years.”

“Good luck finding a wife,” I said.

“I’ve found her,” he said.

“Who?”

“You.”

“You want me to die?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your fans will murder me,” I said.

“No they won’t.”

“Wanna bet?”

“I’ll protect you,” he said.

“And when you’re not there?”

“You’re always gonna be beside me. We’re working together, aren’t we?”

“Hopefully… the industry is ever-changing. I might even be replaced tomorrow if I’m not good enough for SM.”

“You have a 2 year contract. They will keep you for 2 years.”

“And after 2 years?”

“They will decide if they want to extend it or not.”

“Probably not,” I smiled.

“Then you can change your job. You can be my PA or coordinator.”

“We’ll see… you’re asking someone who suffered 5 years in the academy to forget all her dance training and become a PA? You’re crazy.”

“You really love dancing, huh?”

“Sure I do. Otherwise, do you think I’d have survived at the academy?”

“Yea… it figures,” he said, as he played with my hair. “I still can’t get over seeing you after so long.”

“Same here,” I said.

“I missed you,” he said.

“Same here.”

“Is that all you can say?”

“What can I say?”

“Something nicer?”

“Like… ‘You’re so good looking now.’?”

“That could work,” he laughed.

“I didn’t know you were so egoistic,” I laughed.

“Only with you… your approval matters most to me,” he said.

“Why?”

“Ying wei wo ai ni,” he said, matter-of-factly.

I looked into his eyes, and my fingers came to brush his lips, lightly.

“Same here,” I smiled.

I was finally November; November 6th to be exact. We were backstage on the set of Inki Gayo. Tonight will be Super Junior’s debut performance. Sure they have debuted individually in dramas, movies and in Han Kyung’s case, on the runway, but this was their official debut performance as the 12 person band, Super Junior. The guys were a little nervous, most of them practicing their moves and stuff, up till the last minute of time they had before it was their turn to perform.

“Nervous?” I asked Han Kyung.

“Not really.”

“You’re so brave,” I teased.

“Cos you’re here,” he smiled.

“I don’t think me being here helps much,” I said.

“Well… the guys don’t think that way. They think that you’ve helped a lot while Bum Su hyung is not around.”

“Han Kyung!” Ee Teuk called out. It was time for them to get to the stage.

“Jia you,” I smiled as he turned to walk away.

“See you later,” he said and he gave me a little wave.

I watched from the side as they positioned themselves. The intro of TWINS (Knock Out) played, and they started to move. There was an air of superiority and greatness about them on that day, and they gave a smashing performance. From that day onwards, Super Junior became known to Korea, and their popularity just kept soaring.

Chinese Notes:

Kuai chu ba.
Go quickly.

Xie xie.
Thanks.

Man man chi.
Eat slowly. (Take your time to eat.)

Guo lai.
Come here.

Ying wei wo ai ni.
Because I love you.

Jia you.
Go get ‘em. (or equivalent to the Koreans’ p’ait’ing [파이팅])

Chapter 7

2007-02-27T20:59:00.000+08:00

I watched as Han Geng, snapped out of his state of shock. He bowed a little and greeted me.

“Han Kyung-imnida. Pangapseumnida,” he said.

“So where are you from, nuna?” Dong Hae asked. “You are older than us, aren’t you?” he asked.

“She looks like our age, Dong Hae,” Ki Bum said. “How old are you, Sierra?”

“I’m almost 22,” I smiled.

“Almost?” Ee Teuk asked. “So when’s your birthday?”

“December,” I replied.

“Yah! I’m older than you,” Hee Chul exclaimed.

“So am I,” Ee Teuk said.

“Then I guess the rest of us will have to call you nuna,” Kang In said.

“You haven’t answered my question, nuna,” Dong Hae waved at me.

“What was it?” I asked him.

“Where are you from?”

“The last place I lived in was China. I’m originally from Malaysia.”

“Yah! Han Kyung, China! Did you hear?” Eun Hyuk exclaimed.

“Which part?” Ryeo Wook asked.

“I studied for 5 years in Beijing.”

“Yah! Beijing!” Sung Min exclaimed. “Aren’t you from Beijing too?” he turned to look at Han Geng.

“I’m going to the loo,” Han Geng mumbled and walked out.

“What’s up with him?” Kang In remarked and the rest of them just shrugged.

“Let’s get to work,” I said. “Shin Dong,” I waved him over.

“Yes?’ he asked me.

“I’ll need your help since I’m not familiar with the choreography yet. Bum Su oppa said that you were the one I should refer to.”

“He did?” Shin Dong beamed. “Okay.”

One hour into our training, Han Geng reappeared.

“That was a long toilet break you took,” Sung Min commented.

“I wasn’t feeling well,” Han Geng said.

“Do you want to see a doctor?” Ee Teuk asked him.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Let’s do this.”

We spent another 4 hours perfecting their almost complete routine. They were all accomplished dancers, and Bum Su oppa had pretty much covered everything before his accident. All I had to do was to watch them and make sure they were in sync.

“See you tomorrow, nuna,” Ye Sung smiled as he waved at me.

“Byee…” Hee Chul said as he walked out.

“Bye guys,” I smiled and waved as the rest of them said goodbye and filed out of the studio.

I’d started to pack up the files and CDs when I realized there was someone behind me. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Han Geng.

“Zui jin hao ma?” he asked me. I turned around to look at him. He didn’t look upset. He actually looked concerned.

“I’m fine,” I replied, and turned around to continue packing.

“Why didn't you tell me that you were coming?” he asked me.

“Xu yao ma?” I asked him. “Do I need to tell you anything when you’ve told me nothing?”

“That’s my fault,” he sighed. “I didn’t think you’d want to know.”

“It was just coincidence that I got a job here. I didn’t even know I would be working for SM until I arrived at the door.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” he said.

“You sounded as if I were stalking you. I didn’t even know Super Junior existed until yesterday. And I definitely did not know that you were a member of Super Junior.”

“Dui bu qi,” he said. “I should’ve kept in touch.”

“It’s fine. We’d made a pact to forget each other,” I said dismissively.

“But I have not forgotten,” he said.

“Huh?”

“Did you think I was such a person? That I forgot everything that happened in the past once I had a new life?”

“I didn’t say…”

“You’re implying,” he said.

“Fine. I was.”

“I missed you,” he said.

“I…” I started, then I bit my lip. Should I tell him how I really feel? Wouldn’t it be better to put this behind us now that we had to actually work together?

“You what?” he said.

“Nothing,” I said. “I need to go,” I said as I picked up my bag.

“Wait,” he said, and he grabbed my hand as I was about to walk away.

“Han Geng, or is it Han Kyung now?” I said. “I’m your trainer now. And that was the past. We need to focus on our careers now. I don’t want our past to mess up our futures.”

“Why should it mess up our futures?” he asked me. “Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to appear here, in front of me?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, not looking at him.

“I went back to Beijing a few months back, and I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

“I’d graduated. You forgot?”

“I didn’t.”

“And you thought I’d just stay in Beijing and wait for you?” I asked him.

“I’d hoped.”

“Did you think that I had no life? I had to earn a living you know,” I said sternly.

“Don’t get angry now,” he said softly. “You’ll get wrinkles.”

He hadn’t changed. He still said those little things that he knew would quell my anger. He still knew how to push my buttons. I hated how he had such control over me.

“I really need to go,” I said as I tried to push past him.

“Bie zou,” he said, as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. I just stayed in his arms, reliving the sense of familiarity, inhaling his scent, taking comfort in his warmth. All those months of missing him; had they come to an end? Could we get back together just like that?

“Han Geng,” I said, as I tried to push him away.

“Wo bu hui zai rang ni zou,” he said as he hugged me tightly.

“It’s pointless,” I said sadly. “There’s no way we can be together.”

“Wei shen me?” he said fiercely. “Why not? Wo bu guan.”

“You can’t ignore it. It’ll be tough. You’re debuting soon. You think the management is gonna love the fact that you have a girlfriend. You think girls are going to get excited about you when you already have a girlfriend.”

“There are 11 others for them to get excited over.”

“And you’d have lost your value to the company. Why would they still need you in the band?”

“Sierra,” he said pleadingly.

“Bie zai shuo le,” I pleaded in return.

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and he pulled me toward him to kiss me. I felt tears stream down my cheeks as he kissed me. I was so frustrated, and yet I missed him so much. I wanted to just hold on to him and never let go.

“Bie ku,” he said as he kissed my tears away.

“How can I not cry? I’m so frustrated. I’m going mad,” I said as the tears continued flowing.

“I’ll find a way,” he said. “I’ll find a way for us to be together.”

“I don’t want us to lose our jobs,” I said.

“We won’t,” he sighed as he pulled me back into his arms and hugged me tightly. “Just promise me you’ll stay with me from now on.”

“But can you promise that you would stay with me?” I asked him.

“Yes, I promise. I’m still the same Han Geng. Believe me,” he said, and he kissed me again.

“Hyung, we’re leaving!” someone yelled as he walked into the studio. It was Si Won.

Han Geng and I jumped apart in shock, but not in time to avoid letting him see us in each other’s arms.

“Erm…” Han Geng mumbled.

“What’s going on?” Si Won asked as he looked back and forth between the two of us.

I looked at Han Geng wearily and wondered how we were going to explain ourselves to Si Won.

Chinese Notes:

Zui jin hao ma?
How have you been?

Xu yao ma?
Is it necessary?

Dui bu qi.
I’m sorry.

Bie zou.
Don’t go.

Wo bu hui zai rang ni zhou.
I will not let you leave anymore.

Wei shen me?
Why?

Wo bu guan.
I don’t care.

Bie zai shuo le.
Don’t say anymore.

Wo ai ni.
I love you.

Bie ku.
Don’t cry.

Chapter 6

2007-02-23T18:21:00.000+08:00

“Sierra-shi, kwaench’ana?” the lady asked me. I must have looked pale or something, from the shock.

“Kwaench’ana,” I smiled. Was this a freaky coincidence, or was it simply fate? I’m about to sign a contract with the same company Han Geng was with. This was too surreal.

5 minutes later, I was sitting in the office of the Recruitment Manager, reading through the contract. It was a 2 year contract, the pay looked good, accommodations were provided and I had 16 days off each year. Medical was covered, so was dental; all in all, a pretty good package. I signed my name on the last page and was presented with another document.

“What’s this for?” I asked the manager.

“It’s a non-disclosure agreement.”

A non-disclosure agreement was an agreement where I’d have to agree to keep all company matters within the company. Company matters such as information of upcoming projects, plans and anything that would harm the company or benefit competitors if I revealed them. I glanced through quickly and signed it. There wasn’t much I could protest anyway. If I didn’t sign it, I wouldn’t get the job; simple as that.

“You’ll be taken to your accommodations,” he said as I got up to leave.

“Kamsahamnida,” I smiled.

“Welcome to the SM family,” he said.

SM had rented a 1 room studio apartment about half an hour away from SM’s offices for me. It was small, cozy and modern. Definitely better than what I was used to back in China. There was a twin sized bed, a wardrobe, a desk, a bar complete with high stools which served as a dining table, a little kitchen area, a bathroom and also a laundry room with a small washing machine. The rent for such an apartment would not be cheap since it came with so many amenities.

“We need to go to the hospital,” the lady said.

“The hospital?”

“The company requires that you undergo a medical examination, and after that, there is someone you need to meet.”

“Can I just have a minute to freshen up, then?” I asked her.

“Sure.”

I quickly unpacked my toiletries and walked into the bathroom. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and reapplied my makeup. As I did all that, I wondered who the person I needed to meet was. Was he in the hospital? I walked out 15 minutes later to find the lady patiently waiting.

“I’m ready,” I said, and we left the apartment.

I had to take a blood test, a urine test and a chest x-ray. All these were part of the basic medical examination. After my x-ray had been taken, the lady led me towards a ward.

“May I know who I’m meeting?” I asked her.

“The trainer you’re replacing,” she replied. I wonder what happened to him.

We walked in and there was a guy sitting up on a bed, with his leg in a cast.

“Bum Su-shi,” the lady said, “This is your replacement, Sierra.”

“Annyeonghaseyo,” I bowed.

“Thanks,” he smiled. “I’ll just take a few minutes to update her,” he said and the lady walked out.

“Erm… what exactly happened to you, Bum Su-shi?” I asked him.

“Just call me oppa,” he smiled. “Skip the formalities.”

“Okay.”

“I was involved in a car accident, and I will not be able to be on my feet for the next 6 months. That’s why SM requested for you so urgently,” he said.

“I see.”

“Here,” he said as he handed me a file.

“What’s this?”

“These are notes of all the training and choreography I’ve done so far,” he said as I flipped through the file. “I’m currently training a 12 member band called Super Junior. You will see them tomorrow. Videos of all the choreography I’ve done are available in the training room. I suggest you take the time to watch them.”

“When will this band debut?”

“In November. You have a tough job ahead of you since you’ll need to choreograph their first video as well.”

“Wow… How do you even know what I can do it? And SM just hired me like that?”

“You came highly recommended,” he smiled.

I walked after the room after he was done briefing me and I collided into a guy’s chest.

“Choesonghamnida,” I said and I stepped aside to let him pass. As I did, I looked up, and I was startled when I saw who it was.

“Sierra?” Han Geng said, as he looked at me questioningly.

I turned and started walking off as fast as I could.

“Sierra!” I heard him call after me, and I broke into a run.

I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t ready to see him again, and I couldn’t trust myself to stay calm enough to talk to him. The past year without him was agonizing, and when I saw his face, I felt my heart aching. It just sort of stopped and then it started aching. I thought I’d gotten over him. I thought the pain had dulled inside me, but it hadn’t. The memories of us came rushing back to me, and I felt consumed and suffocated.

That night, I lay awake and stared into the darkness of my room. I was nervous about tomorrow’s training session with the band. At the same time, I was still thinking of Han Geng. His expression on his face earlier at the hospital mirrored mine. He was as shocked as I am. What was he doing there?

Fatigue finally got the better of me, and I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning to the incessant ringing of my alarm. It took me a moment to remember that I was now in Korea. I stretched slowly in bed and rolled off onto the floor. In about an hour, I will be meeting Super Junior. I wonder if they’d accept me.

I stood in the training room nervously, while waiting for Super Junior to arrive. At about 9am, they started filing in. They were all taller than me, I cringed. How was I going to manage them?

“Omo!” a very slim and pretty guy exclaimed as he rubbed his eyes. “Hyung,” he nudged one of them. “Is that a girl? We have a girl trainer?”

“Don’t be rude, Hee Chul,” the guy said. “Annyeonghaseyo, Ee Teuk-imnida,” he bowed.

“I’m Hee Chul,” the pretty one said.

And soon all of them started introducing themselves; Kang In, Sung Min, Eun Hyuk, Ye Sung, Ki Bum, Ryeo Wook, Dong Hae, Si Won and Shin Dong. Bum Su oppa had told me to work closely with Shin Dong, since he had the most choreography inputs.

“Naneun Sierra-imnida, pangapseumnida. I will be your trainer and choreographer until Bum Su oppa is fit enough to rejoin us.”

As the guys whooped and cheered, I counted the number of the members present. There was one missing.

“Is there someone who isn’t here yet?” I asked.

“That would be Han Kyung,” Si Won said. “He’s running a little late today.”

“There he is,” Dong Hae exclaimed as a tall, slim figure walked in.

“Mian…” he said as he walked in, then he froze. I was frozen when I saw him too. Han Kyung turned out to be Han Geng, my Han Geng, from Beijing. No wonder the name had sounded familiar.

“Ah… she got to you too, didn’t she,” Hee Chul laughed and patted Han Geng on the back. “Pardon him, Sierra. He’s obviously never seen a pretty girl before.”

“Sierra?” Han Geng repeated.

“Nae, Sierra-imnida,” I said in as neutral a tone as I could muster. “Nice to meet you, Han Kyung.”

Chapter 5

2007-02-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

It’s been a more than year since Han Geng left, and I’ve recently graduated from the academy. For the past few months, I’ve been working with various entertainment companies in Shanghai as a freelance choreographer. Turned out the dean was right, as always. I was a better choreographer than I was a dancer. With my academic record, the recommendation from the academy and being a graduate from the academy, it wasn’t that hard to get a job. But the icing on the whole cake was the job I’d just landed. I’m finally going to Korea.

I’ve been contacted by a recruitment agency in Korea and I’ve been requested to join their client’s company as a full time trainer and choreographer. Their client, whose name they’d yet to disclose, was one of the largest entertainment companies in Korea. I was to fly to Korea, at their expense, to sign the employment contract.

“Is this Sierra-shi?” a lady speaking English with a heavy Korean accent had called.

“Yes, this is she.”

“I’m calling regarding your application to our agency.”

“I see.”

“Our client is interested in hiring you. When are you able to come to Korea to sign the contract?”

When I first received the call, I thought that someone was pulling my leg. Am I really that lucky? I’m going to Korea! According to the recruitment agency, I was selected because I’d studied the Korean language at the academy, and it was important for the trainer to know how to speak Korean. To be honest, I don’t think my Korean was that good. I hope they don’t send me back when they realize that I can’t really speak the language.

After I’d hung up the phone, a single thought crossed my mind; would I be able to meet Han Geng? We’d not called each other or even sent each other letters or emails since he left for Korea. But the last time he changed his mobile phone number, he dropped me a text message to inform me of his new number. I guess we just didn’t trust ourselves to speak. We didn’t want to talk about our lives, because they were no longer connected. But the fact that he’d left me with his number showed that he was still waiting for me to go to Korea. It’s been more than 6 months since I received that text message. Would he still be waiting for me?

For weeks, after he’d left, I felt like a zombie. I’d thought that I would just learn to get over him once he wasn’t there, but no such luck. Everything reminded me of him. The academy, the alleys we’d walked together, the hostel, the dining hall, no matter where I went, I was assaulted by memories of him. I spent each night crying myself to sleep, to the point that Dou Dou finally lost patience with me, and forced me to snap out of my emotional breakdown.

“You can’t keep acting like this Sierra,” she scolded me one night.

“Leave me alone,” I said as I turned away from her.

“You’re a wreck now. How do you intend to graduate when you’re behaving like this? And if you never graduate, how do you think you’re ever going to see him again? Did you think he’d come back for you?”

I spent the whole night thinking about what she’d said, and she was right. The only way we would ever have a chance to meet again was if I did well at the academy. Even if I’m not doing it for him, I need to do this for myself. I need to get back on track. From the next day onwards, I threw myself into my training, into my classes at the academy, and I ended up not just passing, but with honours.

I’m at the Shanghai Pudong International Airport now, sitting in the waiting room at the departure gate, waiting to board my flight. I flipped open my wallet and traced my index finger over the worn out photo stickers in my wallet. We’d taken the photos together on one of our outings at the mall.

“Let’s take some photos,” Han Geng said as he dragged me toward the machine.

“Bu yao. They always turn out faded and ugly,” I protested.

“This machine looks new,” he said.

“And everyone would’ve thought the same thing and rushed to use it. Let’s not waste our money.”

“Come on, Sierra. I’ll pay,” he said.

“Bu yao,” I pouted.

“Yi chi, zui hou yi chi. If they turn out bad, I’ll burn them and I’ll never ask for you to have photo stickers taken ever again.”

“Zhen de?” I eyed him as he nodded.

“Wo bu hui pian ni de,” he smiled.

“Hao ba,” I sighed as we walked towards the machine.

The photos turned out great, and I was forced to eat my words. I made him keep those photos where he’d made weird faces, while I kept the nicer ones.

An announcement that the plane was ready to be boarded woke me up from my reminiscing. As I was closing my wallet, a slip of paper fell out. It was a photo of him, walking down the catwalk during his debut in May, 2005, about a month ago. Before he’d left, he’d grown out his hair, and it seemed that they’d let him keep it that way. It was even longer now, and they’d made it look edgy. He looked so different from the boy I used to know. He was now more of a man. Ying Ru was the one who found the picture on the internet and printed it out for me.

“Look at him now!” Ying Ru said as she handed me the photo she met me for lunch one day. It was printed on a piece of A4-sized paper.

I took the paper from her and stared at it. It was him, but a whole new him. I walked away wordlessly, holding the paper at my side.

“Wait up,” she yelled as she chased after me. “Sierra,” she said worriedly, “you’re still not over him?”

I didn’t reply.

“I shouldn’t have showed you his picture,” she sighed.

“It’s fine,” I replied. “I just have nothing to say about it. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” she smiled. “So what are we eating?”

When I got home, I cut it out and put it in my wallet. I felt somewhat like a fan, like some stalker, but I didn’t care. He was just a memory for me, and I had a right to keep my memories right where I want them to be.

As the flight took off, I silently bid China farewell. It had been my home for the past 5, 6 years, and I was now about to build a new home in Korea. Someday, maybe someday, I’ll come back. When I do, Yi He Yuan, the place where memories of happiness and romance will always greet me, will be the first place I visit.

5 hours later, I’m walking out into the arrival hall at Seoul’s Incheon International Airport, touching my hair consciously. After years of having only long hair, I’d recently cut it short, really short. We were advised to have long hair back at the academy since it was easy to style and adapt to whatever role we were dancing.

“Why won’t you cut your hair short?” Han Geng once asked me when he saw me eying the photos of some short-haired models.

“You know why,” I sighed.

“Who cares? Just cut it,” he said. “I think you’d look good with short hair. You’d probably look more dangerous than you are now,” he winked.

“Zhen de ma?” I asked him.

“Zhen de,” he smiled.

“Then I’ll cut it when I graduate from the academy.”

I’d taken his word for it, and cut my hair as I’ve planned with him. He was right. I looked better now. I preferred my new look to the old one. Who knew a haircut cut bring me a whole new personality.

I looked around among the groups of people who were crowding at the arrival hall. The company had informed me that they would send a person to collect me and found a lady holding a sign with my name on it, in Korean. Thank god that I could at least read my own name.

“Sierra-shi?” she said inquiringly as I walked towards her.

“Nae. Choneun Sierra-imnida,” I said.

“Come with me, please,” she said as she led me out of the arrival hall to a car waiting for us.

After a long drive, we arrived in what I would consider a business district; tall buildings and luxury stores on my left and right. Seoul was pretty much like Shanghai; skyscrapers, big department stores and the likes. The only difference was that there weren’t huge packs of bicycles and motorcycles on the roads. We finally pulled up at a big yellow building, which was the client’s offices, I was told. As I got off and stood up, looking at the sign on the building, I almost fell over in shock. The sign said: SM Entertainment.

Chinese Notes:

Bu yao.
Don’t want.

Yi chi, zui hou yi chi.
Just once, this is the last time.

Zhen de?
Really?

Wo bu hui pian ni de.
I wouldn’t lie to you.

Hao ba.
Fine.

Chapter 4

2007-02-13T21:10:00.003+08:00

“Get a grip of yourself,” my instructor said sternly. “Did you really think that you will end up in the same company when you graduated? Did you think that you’d stay together always?” I shook my head sadly, as I continued sobbing. “We’re performers, Sierra. We don’t have a choice of where we get to go. We go where we are wanted.”

“Come on, Sierra. Get up,” Ying Ru said softly as she helped me up.

“This is why we’ve never approved of you kids dating,” my instructor added.

I dried my tears and we continued with the class. This time, I tried my hardest to focus on dancing. My instructor was right. Did I really think Han Geng and I would just live in Beijing forever? And if we were bound to part, would we end up like him and Xin Yi?

He was waiting for me like he always did when my last class ended. I walked out until I stood in front of him, and I looked up at his face, not wanting to say a word. My head only came up to his shoulders, since he was about 6 feet. I’ve always loved the fact that he was so much taller, that I could lie against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. But today, it felt tiring to look up at him.

“Zou ba,” he said as he turned and started walking.

We walked out of the school gates and along the alleys we’d usually take. We walked side by side, not even wanting to hold hands. We were both worried. Worried about what the future held for us now. Halfway back to the hostel, he stopped walking and stood there, looking at the ground. Only now did I notice that a single tear had rolled down his cheek.

“Bu yao ku,” I whispered as I reached my hand out to wipe the tear away. He caught my hand and held it to his face as I did. “Han Geng. I’m not crying. You have no reason to cry,” I said. He pulled me into his embrace and held me tight.

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and that did it for me. I started sobbing against his chest.

I’d finally stopped crying and we were sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall.

“I’m not leaving so soon,” he said. “It could be another 2 years before I actually go to Korea.”

“What do we do about us?” I asked him.

“I don't know. Can’t we just stay as we are now?”

“And when you leave, how do you plan to keep this relationship going?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed.

I leaned over, until my head rested on his shoulder. He put one arm around me, and the other came to push my hair away from my face.

“Fine,” I said.

“What do you mean by fine?”

“Let’s just stay the way we are until you need to leave. After that, let’s just forget each other.”

“You want that?”

“I don’t see how we can keep this up when you leave for Korea. You’ll be too busy for me and it will only end up souring our relationship if we try too hard to do the impossible.”

“Come with me,” he said.

“If only I could.”

“When I’ve established myself there, I will get a job for you. Then you can come join me,” he said.

“You do that,” I smiled sadly, knowing that it was an empty promise, that it would be the end of us when he left for Korea. Even though I know that he’d meant it with all his heart, it was something that was out of his control. It will never happen.

That weekend, we went to Yi He Yuan. We spent the day walking, taking pictures on the Marble Boat, climbing up the Tower of Buddhist Incense and at the end of the day; we ate ice cream while standing on the Seventeen-Arch Bridge. He put one arm around me as we ate silently. I looked around at the water under the bridge, the trees that were slowly turning bare. Autumn seemed like a sad season, but it always looked beautiful. I guess there is beauty is sadness too. Though it seems like such an odd notion.

“Years from now, do you think you’d wanna come back here?” I asked him.

“Where?”

“To Yi He Yuan.”

“Maybe.”

“Why?”

“Huh? You asked me a question, I answered, and you’re asking me why?”

“Yea, why would you come back here?”

He was silent for a moment, and then he spoke.

“Because it would remind me of you,” he said, as he tightened his arm around me.

“Same here,” I said, as I leaned against him.

“Maybe we should come back here someday,” he said.

“What? When we’re 60?” I laughed.

“I’ll let you know,” he said. “Definitely sooner, cos I don’t think I’d be able to come when I’m 60. I’d probably need a wheelchair then.”

“Yea, I forgot that we were dancers. Our legs are bound to give out someday,” I laughed softly, and then we were silent again.

“Sierra,” Han Geng whispered.

“Hmm?” I said as I turned to look up at him. He leaned down and kissed me. We kissed gently and languorously, taking our time and not caring who would walk past. He lips tasted of chocolate and ice cream and mine probably did too. I licked my lips as we pulled away. They felt a little sticky from the ice cream I ate earlier.

“Hao chi ma?” he winked and I laughed.

“Hao chi,” I said.

“Hai yao ma?” he asked. I nodded, and he leaned back in to kiss me again.

There were laughter and smiles today, but we’d avoided talking about anything serious. From now on, we’re going to enjoy every moment we had together. As painful as it is and knowing that he would leave in a few years, we wanted only happy memories of our time together.

It was late 2003, and I’m standing in the departure hall at the Beijing Capital International Airport with Han Geng. He was finally leaving for Korea. I stood in front of him, looking at the ground. I didn’t want to look up because I was trying really hard to control my emotions. If I looked up at him, I’d probably start bawling.

“Sierra,” he said and I just nodded, still looking down. “Kan zhe wo,” he said as his hand came to tilt my head up.

A few tears rolled down my cheeks, and he sighed as he wiped them away with his thumb. He pulled me towards him and hugged me as I cried silently against him. He stroked my hair gently, waiting for my tears to subside. After a few minutes, I finally got a hold of myself and I looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes too. I reached my hand up and trailed my fingers down his cheek.

“Take care of yourself,” he said.

“You too,” I replied.

“I will,” he smiled.

“Don’t forget me,” I said.

“I won’t. I’ll never forget. Wo ai ni…”

“You should start saying ‘saranghae’ instead of ‘wo ai ni’, now that you’re going to Korea,” I attempted to joke.

“No,” he smiled. “With you, no matter where I am, it will always be ‘wo ai ni’. Whenever I say it to you in Chinese, it always comes from my heart. It’s who I am. I’m Chinese.”

“Okay,” I smiled. “No need for a big patriotic speech.”

“I’m serious,” he said.

“I know,” I smiled.

“I’ll see you in Korea,” he said.

“Let’s hope,” I said, and he leaned down and kissed me. The kiss went on for a long time, our last kiss. Who knows when we will meet again?

I watched him walk into the gates, and I waved when he turned back to wave at me.

“Wo ai ni…” I mouthed and he smiled.

I watched until he’d disappeared behind the gates before I started walking away. On my way to catch the bus, my phone beeped. I took my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through the menu to open my Inbox. It was a text message from Han Geng.

Wo hui yong yuan ai ni…

I stared my phone for the longest time. Forever… he said he’d love me forever. Did forever really exist? I held my phone up to my lips and kissed the screen. I would treasure our memories forever. Even though there is the possibility of him forgetting me. I would always be grateful for the day I met him.

Chinese Notes:

Zou ba.
Let’s go.

Bu yao ku.
Don’t cry.

Hao chi ma?
Is it delicious?

Hao chi.
It’s delicious.

Hai yao ma?
Want more?

Kan zhe wo.
Look at me.

Wo hui yong yuan ai ni.
I will love you forever.

Chapter 3

2007-02-06T17:05:00.001+08:00

He put his arms around my waist and pulled me closed as he kissed me. I’d intended to just stay there and try not to reciprocate, but I couldn’t control myself. Seeing him every day and being with him every day had made me realize that I had feelings for him too. I wrapped my arms around his neck as the kiss went on, the pain in my ankle forgotten… my boyfriend back home, forgotten. We pulled apart after awhile, panting. It was almost the end of summer, and it was still a little warm since it was about 5pm.

“Han Geng,” I said, my voice coming out in little gasps.

“Don’t say a word. I don’t want to hear anything about that boyfriend of yours.”

“I wasn’t going to talk about him.”

“Then what were you going to say?”

“I…” I paused. I’d almost admitted to him that I loved him. Was it the right time? Was it too soon?

“What is it?”

“That was my first kiss,” I said softly and that was the truth. During the 6 months with my boyfriend, we’d never kissed. We just held hands. And here was Han Geng, who wasn’t even my boyfriend yet, kissing me. But I had to give him credit for it. He’d made my first kiss unforgettable.

“What?” he said, looking a little surprised.

“You’ve stolen my first kiss,” I smiled.

“How old are you?” he asked me.

“16.”

“Same age as me?”

“I’m almost 17. I was born in 1983, in December. So technically, we’re almost the same age.”

“You’re a pig?” he smiled.

“What pig?”

“You’re born on the year of the pig.”

“You’re a rat!” I said and he laughed.

“I can’t believe that this was your first kiss,” he said.

“Why?”

“Cos you’re so beautiful. How did your boyfriend keep his hands off you?”

“Well, cos he’s not a rat.”

“That hurt,” he said as he pouted.

“Sorry,” I smiled. “You’re a good kisser for a rat,” and he grinned at me.

“Is your ankle fine now?” he asked and I was reminded of the dull ache in my ankles.

“No,” I said.

“Come on,” he said as he indicated for me to get back on his back. “Let’s go.”

“What do we do now?” I said as he walked on towards our hostel.

“You need to pick, Sierra,” he said. “Me or him.”

“I need time,” I said as I sighed as I lay my head on his back.

“I’ll wait for you,” he said.

“Thanks,” I replied.

“But don’t make me wait too long,” he added.

“I won’t.”

That night, after Han Geng had bandaged my feet for me and left, I decided to call my boyfriend back home, or soon to be ex-boyfriend. He answered after 3 rings.

“It’s me,” I said.

“Hey,” he replied. He sounded distracted. “What’s up?”

“I’ve met someone,” I said after pausing for a moment. I felt that I needed to get straight to the point. No point beating around the bush when the outcome will ultimately lead to the same thing.

“I thought you would,” he said. “Anyway, so have I.”

“Then I guess we’re even,” I said. His tone was emotionless and cold. It wouldn’t have done me any good to get emotional over this.

“Yea, we are,” was his reply.

“Take care, then,” I said.

“You too,” he said.

“Bye.”

“Bye,” he replied and I hung up.

So he’d found someone even before I’d acknowledged my feelings for Han Geng. I felt a little disappointed, but then again, I was grateful that it ended up a clean break and that I am now free. I picked up my phone again and texted Han Geng.

I’m yours now.

Less than 1 minute later, I received a reply.

And I’m yours… Wo ai ni…

And that was how it all began.

It’s autumn now, more than a year since I’ve arrived in Beijing. Han Geng and I walked to class hand in hand, sharing a thick woolen scarf.

“Where do you want to go this weekend?” Han Geng asked me as he put his arm around me.

“Do you have time, Mr. Principal Dancer,” I teased.

Han Geng had been awarded the principal role in an upcoming dance recital. He was really happy about his achievement and I had been teasing him endlessly about it. While he majored in Chinese folk dance, I’d changed my major from Modern Dance to Choreography at the advice of the dean after receiving reports from my instructors. It seems that I was unable to keep up as well as I'd been expected to and they’d decided I would fare better doing choreography. However, majoring in choreography did not mean that I didn’t need to know how to dance. The only difference was that the focus was now on creating steps instead of merely perfecting them.

“For you, I have all the time in the world,” he smiled.

The past one year had been one of the toughest times I’d ever faced. The classes were physically demanding and mentally exhausting. If it wasn’t for Han Geng, and my girlfriends, Ying Ru, Dou Dou and Chui Yun, I think I would’ve cracked. Their support had helped me get through the initial hardships and right now, I’m pretty much as seasoned as they are.

“Let’s go to the Yi He Yuan this weekend,” I said. Yi He Yuan was the famous Summer Palace in Beijing. It’s has beautiful gardens and architecture, and during autumn, it was the perfect spot to take long walks and to relax. Yi He Yuan is also listed in UNESCO’s World Heritage List.

“What’s at Yi He Yuan?” he whined. “We’ve been there are like twice in one year. Us locals don’t visit such places that often. It’s weird.”

“But I like it there. And it’s autumn; the perfect weather to take walks.”

“Fine,” he sighed and he kissed my forehead.

“I’ll buy you an ice-cream when we get there,” I smiled.

“Make that two,” he said.

“Fine,” I laughed.

As we walked in the school gates, we saw a group of our friends crowding near the dean’s office.

“What’s up guys?” Han Geng asked.

“Omigod!” Jia Xiong exclaimed. “Han Geng! They’ve come for you!”

“What?” Han Geng said, confused. “Who’s come for me?”

“SM Entertainment!” Jia Xiong said.

“Didn’t you participate in that H.O.T. CHINA Audition Casting thing?” Zhi Ming asked.

“I did,” Han Geng said.

“Damn! Out of 3000 people, you’ve been selected. You’re so lucky,” Jia Xiong said.

“Does that mean you’re going to Korea?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said. He looked pale. He must be in shock. I know I would be. To be chosen out of 3000 people was no small matter. SM must have really like Han Geng’s performance.

We went to our classes, since it would not do to miss any of them, or we’d be punished. In the middle of my 3rd class of the day, I heard that the representatives from SM were now having a meeting with Han Geng. We’re they going to take him away now? Would they allow him to continue his training here first and bring him to Korea after he’d graduated? I was unable to focus for the entire day, attending my classes and training and dancing purely from the mechanics drilled into me.

“Sierra,” my instructor stopped me, after the 5th time I’d restarted the same routine. “Where’s your heart today?”

“Dui bu qi,” I said.

“Don’t apologise. You don’t even mean it. Is this about Han Geng and the contract SM’s offering him?”

The instructors and teachers knew everything. They didn’t approve of all the dating and relationships that happened in the academy, but they didn’t outlaw it. We’re teenagers, and they’d just resigned to the fact that there was nothing they could do to control it.

The question was the breaking point for me. The fears I’d been blocking out for the entire day surged through my brain. I just sat down on the floor and started sobbing. After a whole year of leaning on him, was Han Geng going to disappear from my life just like that?

Chapter 2

2007-02-02T09:30:00.000+08:00

“Han Geng, you klutz,” Dou Dou said as she pulled me away from him.

“Me? A klutz?” he replied. “If you guys weren’t dragging her around like a rag doll, I wouldn’t have bumped into her.”

“Hey you guys, break it up!” Chui Yun said as she tried to pull Dou Dou away.

Already, I can see that Dou Dou was a really loud and strong-willed girl. She didn’t let any nonsense get past her and she certainly didn’t take anything lying down, especially when it came from a guy. Chui Yun was level-headed and smart. She was the one who made sure Dou Dou didn’t end up in the fist fight with everyone who annoyed her.

“I wasn’t watching where I was going, dui bu qi,” I said.

“It’s not your fault, Sierra,” Han Geng said.

“You know her name already?” Dou Dou said. “Boy, you sure work fast.”

“He helped me with my bags at the academy,” I said in Han Geng’s defense.

“I’m sure he did,” Dou Dou retorted. “Let’s go,” she said as she started walking off.

Chui Yun followed and I trailed behind them slowly. Han Geng fell into step beside me as we walked down the stairs.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” he smiled.

“Same here,” I replied.

“Your room mate sure scares me,” he laughed.

“I thought you were able to hold your own against her.”

“I act like I do, but I’m actually afraid of her. She looks like she could bite.”

“And I’m sure her bark is worse than her bite,” I smiled.

“True,” he said wistfully.

We walked into the little dining area on the ground floor. It was a medium sized room with long tables and benches. We had to walk to the counter and collect our boxes of rice. I opened the box to that it was the kind where the food and rice were segregated nicely. The rice occupied the biggest compartment, and then there was a vegetable, meat and some soup. I watched Dou Dou and Chui Yun dig into their rice box with their chopsticks and spoon, they sure had healthy appetites. As I was about to start eating, Han Geng plopped down beside me with his rice box. He opened his box and I saw something that we all didn’t have; an egg, sunny side up.

“Why’s your box special?” I asked him.

“Cos he’s having an affair with the cook,” Dou Dou replied. Han Geng gave her a weary look and turned to smile at me.

“You want some?” he asked as he started to tear off a piece of the egg and held it up with his chopstick and he dropped it into my box before I could answer.

“Xie xie,” I said as I stared at the egg.

“No problem,” he said as he started eating.

This soon became a ritual. We’d have dinner and Han Geng will always come to sit beside me. And he’d always share his egg with me. I found out within the first week that the cook was actually a family friend of his and that’s why he was given special treatment. As the first month progressed, other rituals started establishing themselves. Han Geng would walk me home from the academy, when Dou Dou and Chui Yun finished later than I did. When I finished later than they did, Han Geng would also walk me home. He’d come to me one day and asked for my schedule.

“Why do you want it?”

“I wanna see how busy you are,” he smiled.

“Weird,” I said as I passed him notebook with my schedule written in it.

“I’ll return it to you later,” he said as he walked off.

“Wei!” I shouted at him. “I can’t remember where’s my next class!”

“Block C,” he replied.

After my class, I walked out to find him standing there with my notebook.

“Here,” he said as he handed it to me.

“What did you do with it?”

“I needed time to copy it down,” he said.

“For what?”

“So that I know what time you finish each day.”

“And?”

“So that I can walk you home,” he smiled.

I’d thought that he was joking, until he started showing up almost every day when my class ended. At first, Dou Dou would try to chase him off, but as time went by, she decided to ignore him. When he showed up to walk me home, she’d just walk on ahead with Chui Yun. For the first few weeks, Han Geng and I walked in silence. I didn’t know what to make of his attention. And truth be told, I was still a little hung up on my boyfriend back home. It wasn’t until the day I hurt myself, that I realized what Han Geng’s presence meant to me.

I’d walked out of my last dance class, limping. I had my arm around Ying Ru and she supported me as we walked out of the room.

“What happened?” Han Geng said as he rushed towards us side.

“She sprained her ankle,” Ying Ru explained.

“Come,” he said as he faced his back toward me and went moved into a squatting position.

“Huh?” I said.

“Get on,” he said. “I’ll carry you back home.”

“I can walk,” I said.

“Sierra, don’t worsen your injury by being stubborn,” he said.

“He’s right,” Ying Ru said. “Get on,” she said.

I sighed and climbed onto his back. He stood up and started walking, as if I weighed nothing.

“I’ll carry your bags for you,” Ying Ru volunteered.

“It’s fine,” Han Geng said. “Sierra, can you hold the bags?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said as Ying Ru handed me the bags.

“See you tomorrow,” Ying Ru said as she waved at us.

“Hold on tight,” he said as we walked out of the academy’s gates. “I don’t want you sliding off and breaking your back.”

“Mm…” I said as I tightened my arms around his neck and laid my head on his back. He smelt a little sweaty, but it was a nice smell. It was his smell. I actually felt comfortable enough to fall asleep on his back.

“Does it hurt?” he asked me.

“A little.”

“What happened?”

“My timing was off when I did a jump, and I landed wrongly.”

“You need to be more careful, zi dao ma?” he said.

“Yes, mother,” I laughed.

We walked on in silence and I decided to ask him what’s been burning in my mind for weeks.

“Han Geng,” I said.

“Oh, shen me shi?”

“Why are you so nice to me?” I asked. There… I’ve said it.

He stopped walking and he bent down slowly, indicating for me to get off. As soon as I got off, he turned around and guided me slowly so that I leant against the wall of the building we were walking beside.

“You really want to know?” he asked.

“I want to know,” I said.

“Then can you grant me a wish first. When you’ve granted me that wish, I’ll tell you why.”

“A wish? What is it?”

“Just say if you’re gonna grant me that wish or not.”

“Fine. You can have your wish, whatever it is.”

“Thanks,” he smiled and he leant closer. “I’ve wanted to do this since the day I met you,” he whispered and he kissed me.

It wasn’t a long kiss, but it wasn’t a peck on the lips either. It was a short, sweet kiss which left us both wanting more.

“Wo ai ni,” he said as he pulled away.

“I have a boyfriend,” I said.

“I don’t care. He’s not here,” Han Geng said and he kissed me again.

This time, the kiss went on for longer. I felt guilt, but I also felt the same feelings Han Geng did for me. I think I had liked him all along, and now, hearing him say that he loved me only helped me make up my mind. I think I love him too.

Chinese Notes:

Dui bu qi.
I'm sorry.

Xie xie.
Thank you.

Shen me shi.
What is it?

Wo ai ni.
I love you.

Chapter 1

2007-01-29T20:15:00.000+08:00

It was the year 2000 when I arrived in Beijing; I was 17 and fresh out of a local dance academy back in Malaysia. My instructor had handed me the scholarship application to the Beijing Dance Institute & Academy, I filled it in not expecting anything, and I was accepted after passing the examination; the only one from my country. As I alighted from the taxi outside the academy, which was located in the Haidian District in Beijing, I inhaled the foreign air around me; China… the home of my ancestors. I had never been to Beijing in my entire life and the sights around me felt foreign, yet familiar. Maybe I’ve been watching way too much of Discovery Channel.

The ride here was weird. The taxis in China had this plastic shield surrounding the driver, cutting him off from the passengers and the seats, which turned out to be leather seats underneath, were covered with plain white cloth to protect them. Most of the taxis were Volkswagens. I guess it came from VW being the first foreign car manufacturer to set up their factories in China, or so I’ve heard. I paid the driver and he helped me unload my luggage.

“Da men zai na’r,” he said in his heavily accented Mandarin as he pointed to the main gates, and I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak. I did speak Mandarin, but it wasn’t perfect, so I kept my conversations to a minimum.

I looked at the modern building before me as I shielded my eyes from the sun. It was a hot summer’s day and in China, the summer heat can get real crazy. I was sweating as I lugged my bags into the gates, towards what I assumed to be the direction of the reception office.

“Xu yao wo bang mang ma?” a male voice spoke up from behind me. I turned around and there he was. Slim, about 6 feet, dressed in a set of sweat pants and jacket, which I assumed to be one of the uniforms at the academy. His hair was cropped short and he’d spiked it up. It suited him, it suited his slim face. His eyes were smiling along with his lips.

“Bu bi, xie xie,” I smiled and I turned my attention back to my bags. I was a little shocked that he bothered to talk to me in the first place and I was a little taken aback that I’d lost all coordination and strength to deal with my luggage.

“Gen wo lai,” he said as he picked up my biggest piece of luggage effortlessly. I had no choice but to pick up the rest of my stuff and follow him.

When we arrived at the office, he put my bags down and knocked on the door for me.

“Shui ya?” a lady replied.

“Chun jie, you xin xue sheng,” he said as the lady opened the door.

“Jin lai ba,” she motioned for me to enter.

“Ni gen ta ba,” he said as he nudged me to follow her.

“Xie xie ni,” I said to him.

“Bu bi,” he smiled. “Wo jiao Han Geng. Ni jiao shen me ming?”

“Sierra,” I smiled.

“Sierra…” he repeated. “Sounds beautiful, just like you.”

He spoke English? He should’ve spoken English to me sooner. I must’ve sounded like a weirdo with my broken Mandarin. He did a little salute as he walked away and I thought I felt my legs buckling. He sure was a charmer. But I found out much later that my impression of him as exactly the opposite of what he was.

“This is where we have our dance training,” Ying Ru, my guide, explained as we walked along the corridors. After I’d met the dean who gave me a solemn talk and congratulated me on my acceptance to the academy, I was assigned Ying Ru, who was my guide and also my classmate. Ying Ru was only 14, from Suzhou, and she’d been with the academy for 3 years.

We walked around the huge campus and I tried to take in all the sights and sounds I met along the way. I was beginning to feel the pressure as I walked past the classes. Sure there were students who looked like they were enjoying themselves, but there were many who looked dead serious as they trained. Would I become like one of them someday? Dancing always made me happy. It was the way I expressed my feelings, my outlet for my frustrations and joy. Would I become a machine someday from all the instruction of technique and demand for perfection?

I lived in a hostel off-campus since I entered the academy in the middle of the term and all the dorms on-campus had been taken. The hostel was a 3-storey colonial building about 10 minutes away from the academy. Inside the old building, renovations had been made to make the place habitable, but it was definitely a far cry from my own room back home. I had to share the room with 2 other girls. The girls lived on our floor and the boys lived on a floor above us.

“You’re so lucky you get to live off-campus,” Ying Ru said as she walked with me. “Usually only the seniors get to live in the hostel you’re living in.”

“Really?”

“Yea,” she smiled. “Ooh! And I saw who helped you with your bags. Han Geng… isn’t he hot?”

“I guess. He must be really popular among the girls.”

“He is, but he rarely talked to girls, at least not on his own accord. I was surprised when I saw him approach you.”

“Are you sure we’re talking about the same person?” I asked her.

“Sure… tall, slim, spiky hair, cute smile, Han Geng,” she said.

“But I’m pretty sure he was a flirt,” I said.

“Omigod! Are you saying he flirted with you?” she exclaimed.

“He did,” I said.

“Wow… you must’ve really caught his eye then. Last I heard he was dating Xin Yi, a ballerina. But she’d left the academy to join a ballet company in the USA last year. Since then, he’d acted like he’d sworn off girls.”

“How old is he?”

“He’s born in February, 1984.”

“Wow… 2 months younger than I am,” I said. “Are you his fan or something?”

“Why do say that?”

“You remember his birthday.”

“Erm… he is sort of an idol at the academy. It’s only natural for us girls to know little details about him.”

“Is that so?” I teased and she blushed a little.

Ying Ru accompanied me till the doorstep of the hostel.

“I need to go,” she said. “I’m already late for my next class.”

“Okay,” I said. “Go on, I’ll be fine.”

“See you tomorrow,” she waved as she walked off.

“Ming tian jian,” I smiled.

I pushed the door open and used my biggest bag to hold it open as I brought in the rest of my stuff. A lady walked out as I closed the door.

“You must be Sierra,” she said, also in heavily accented Beijing Mandarin.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Come with me,” she said as she picked up one of my smaller bags, leaving me with the big one.

“The students are all in school at the moment, so it’s pretty quiet here now. You are provided breakfast and dinner. Lunch will be provided at the academy. There’s a curfew. You must be home by 9pm everyday, unless you have training till late, which I will verify with your teachers and instructors.”

As we walked up the creaking stairs, she went on and on about all the rules we had. On Sundays, we didn’t have classes and were allowed to go shopping or whatever. There were cleaners who would clean the bathrooms we shared, there were 3 bathrooms to each floor and 12 of us shared them. We were in charge of cleaning our own rooms and they will be inspected from time to time. After she’d left me in my room, I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling. The room was painted in a stark white and it was dimly lit; not exactly conducive for studying. I got up and started to unpack my clothes and placed them into the little wardrobe beside my bed. It was the kind that was made of cloth and you closed it by zipping it up.

When I was finally done settling in, I took out the last item in my suitcase, a photograph of me and my boyfriend from back in Malaysia. He was a dancer too and he went to the same school as I did back home. Our relationship had been a turbulent one. He was what you’d call a tortured soul; the kind of artiste who perfected his art through overwhelming himself with emotions. We’ve been together for 6 months, and it was surprising that we’ve lasted for as long as we did. He’d supported me when I was selected. He’d told me that I had just landed the opportunity of a lifetime. But on the day of my flight, he didn’t come to see me off. I guess he was too busy to come.

It was almost 6pm and I could hear the others returning. Outside, the sky was still bright and sunny, since it was the summer. 2 girls walked into the room and they smiled when they saw me. Both of them were slim and at least 5’7”. I was only 5’5”.

“Hello!” one of them said as she walked up to me. “I’m Dou Dou,” she smiled.

“I’m Chui Yun,” the other said.

“I’m Sierra,” I smiled.

“Welcome to our dorm. We’re pretty easy to live with. Just make sure you give us enough money at the end of each month and we’ll leave you alone,” Dou Dou said as I stared at her.

Did she just ask me for some kind of protection fee?

“Don’t listen to her, Sierra,” Chui Yun laughed as I turned to look at her. “She’s just pulling your leg.”

I looked back at Dou Dou, and I laughed in relief when I saw that she was smiling too.

“I’m hungry,” Dou Dou said. “Let’s go for dinner,” she added as she walked out.

“Come on,” Chui Yun said as she grabbed my by the hand and dragged me out with them. On the way to the stairs, I collided against a boy who coming down from the stairs above.

“Xiao xin,” he said as he steadied me before I fell. I looked up and there he was again; Han Geng.

**********

Notes, for those who don't understand Mandarin ^^

Da men zai na'r.
The main gate/door is over there.

Xu yao wo bang mang ma?
Do you need my help?

Bu bi, xie xie.
No need, thank you.

Gen wo lai.
Follow me.

Shui ya?
Who is it?

Chun jie, you xin xue sheng.
Chun jie, there’s a new student.
(Chun is the name of the lady. You add jie, which means sister, as a sign of respect. Sort of like calling her Chun nuna)

Jin lai ba.
Come in.

Ni gen ta ba.
You should go with her.

Xie xie ni.
Thank you.

Bu bi.
No need (to thank me).

Wo jiao Han Geng. Ni jiao shen me ming?
My name is Han Geng. What’s your name?

Ming tian jian.
See you tomorrow.

Xiao xin.
Be careful.

Prologue

2007-01-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

It’s autumn in Beijing and we walked the streets hand in hand on our way to class. Han Geng and I. We’re both students with the Beijing Dance Institute & Academy. Han Geng was a native Chinese and I was an exchange student from Malaysia. I was lucky enough to win a scholarship to the academy but I’d no idea of the dedication and physical demands expected from a student with this prestigious academy until the day I attended my first class.

Most of the students entered the academy during their early teens and some when they were mere children. It was daunting to see the dedication an 11 year old could have, compared to someone of my age. The students at the academy devoted their lives, tears, blood and sweat to their craft. Each day was spent perfecting their technique, flexibility and expression of the body.

“You cannot afford a moment of rest if you want to be the best,” the dean had informed me on my first day. His words rarely turned out to be untrue.