Chapter 4

“Get a grip of yourself,” my instructor said sternly. “Did you really think that you will end up in the same company when you graduated? Did you think that you’d stay together always?” I shook my head sadly, as I continued sobbing. “We’re performers, Sierra. We don’t have a choice of where we get to go. We go where we are wanted.”

“Come on, Sierra. Get up,” Ying Ru said softly as she helped me up.

“This is why we’ve never approved of you kids dating,” my instructor added.

I dried my tears and we continued with the class. This time, I tried my hardest to focus on dancing. My instructor was right. Did I really think Han Geng and I would just live in Beijing forever? And if we were bound to part, would we end up like him and Xin Yi?

He was waiting for me like he always did when my last class ended. I walked out until I stood in front of him, and I looked up at his face, not wanting to say a word. My head only came up to his shoulders, since he was about 6 feet. I’ve always loved the fact that he was so much taller, that I could lie against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. But today, it felt tiring to look up at him.

“Zou ba,” he said as he turned and started walking.

We walked out of the school gates and along the alleys we’d usually take. We walked side by side, not even wanting to hold hands. We were both worried. Worried about what the future held for us now. Halfway back to the hostel, he stopped walking and stood there, looking at the ground. Only now did I notice that a single tear had rolled down his cheek.

“Bu yao ku,” I whispered as I reached my hand out to wipe the tear away. He caught my hand and held it to his face as I did. “Han Geng. I’m not crying. You have no reason to cry,” I said. He pulled me into his embrace and held me tight.

“Wo ai ni,” he said, and that did it for me. I started sobbing against his chest.

I’d finally stopped crying and we were sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall.

“I’m not leaving so soon,” he said. “It could be another 2 years before I actually go to Korea.”

“What do we do about us?” I asked him.

“I don't know. Can’t we just stay as we are now?”

“And when you leave, how do you plan to keep this relationship going?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed.

I leaned over, until my head rested on his shoulder. He put one arm around me, and the other came to push my hair away from my face.

“Fine,” I said.

“What do you mean by fine?”

“Let’s just stay the way we are until you need to leave. After that, let’s just forget each other.”

“You want that?”

“I don’t see how we can keep this up when you leave for Korea. You’ll be too busy for me and it will only end up souring our relationship if we try too hard to do the impossible.”

“Come with me,” he said.

“If only I could.”

“When I’ve established myself there, I will get a job for you. Then you can come join me,” he said.

“You do that,” I smiled sadly, knowing that it was an empty promise, that it would be the end of us when he left for Korea. Even though I know that he’d meant it with all his heart, it was something that was out of his control. It will never happen.

That weekend, we went to Yi He Yuan. We spent the day walking, taking pictures on the Marble Boat, climbing up the Tower of Buddhist Incense and at the end of the day; we ate ice cream while standing on the Seventeen-Arch Bridge. He put one arm around me as we ate silently. I looked around at the water under the bridge, the trees that were slowly turning bare. Autumn seemed like a sad season, but it always looked beautiful. I guess there is beauty is sadness too. Though it seems like such an odd notion.

“Years from now, do you think you’d wanna come back here?” I asked him.

“Where?”

“To Yi He Yuan.”

“Maybe.”

“Why?”

“Huh? You asked me a question, I answered, and you’re asking me why?”

“Yea, why would you come back here?”

He was silent for a moment, and then he spoke.

“Because it would remind me of you,” he said, as he tightened his arm around me.

“Same here,” I said, as I leaned against him.

“Maybe we should come back here someday,” he said.

“What? When we’re 60?” I laughed.

“I’ll let you know,” he said. “Definitely sooner, cos I don’t think I’d be able to come when I’m 60. I’d probably need a wheelchair then.”

“Yea, I forgot that we were dancers. Our legs are bound to give out someday,” I laughed softly, and then we were silent again.

“Sierra,” Han Geng whispered.

“Hmm?” I said as I turned to look up at him. He leaned down and kissed me. We kissed gently and languorously, taking our time and not caring who would walk past. He lips tasted of chocolate and ice cream and mine probably did too. I licked my lips as we pulled away. They felt a little sticky from the ice cream I ate earlier.

“Hao chi ma?” he winked and I laughed.

“Hao chi,” I said.

“Hai yao ma?” he asked. I nodded, and he leaned back in to kiss me again.

There were laughter and smiles today, but we’d avoided talking about anything serious. From now on, we’re going to enjoy every moment we had together. As painful as it is and knowing that he would leave in a few years, we wanted only happy memories of our time together.

It was late 2003, and I’m standing in the departure hall at the Beijing Capital International Airport with Han Geng. He was finally leaving for Korea. I stood in front of him, looking at the ground. I didn’t want to look up because I was trying really hard to control my emotions. If I looked up at him, I’d probably start bawling.

“Sierra,” he said and I just nodded, still looking down. “Kan zhe wo,” he said as his hand came to tilt my head up.

A few tears rolled down my cheeks, and he sighed as he wiped them away with his thumb. He pulled me towards him and hugged me as I cried silently against him. He stroked my hair gently, waiting for my tears to subside. After a few minutes, I finally got a hold of myself and I looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes too. I reached my hand up and trailed my fingers down his cheek.

“Take care of yourself,” he said.

“You too,” I replied.

“I will,” he smiled.

“Don’t forget me,” I said.

“I won’t. I’ll never forget. Wo ai ni…”

“You should start saying ‘saranghae’ instead of ‘wo ai ni’, now that you’re going to Korea,” I attempted to joke.

“No,” he smiled. “With you, no matter where I am, it will always be ‘wo ai ni’. Whenever I say it to you in Chinese, it always comes from my heart. It’s who I am. I’m Chinese.”

“Okay,” I smiled. “No need for a big patriotic speech.”

“I’m serious,” he said.

“I know,” I smiled.

“I’ll see you in Korea,” he said.

“Let’s hope,” I said, and he leaned down and kissed me. The kiss went on for a long time, our last kiss. Who knows when we will meet again?

I watched him walk into the gates, and I waved when he turned back to wave at me.

“Wo ai ni…” I mouthed and he smiled.

I watched until he’d disappeared behind the gates before I started walking away. On my way to catch the bus, my phone beeped. I took my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through the menu to open my Inbox. It was a text message from Han Geng.

Wo hui yong yuan ai ni…

I stared my phone for the longest time. Forever… he said he’d love me forever. Did forever really exist? I held my phone up to my lips and kissed the screen. I would treasure our memories forever. Even though there is the possibility of him forgetting me. I would always be grateful for the day I met him.

Chinese Notes:

Zou ba.
Let’s go.

Bu yao ku.
Don’t cry.

Hao chi ma?
Is it delicious?

Hao chi.
It’s delicious.

Hai yao ma?
Want more?

Kan zhe wo.
Look at me.

Wo hui yong yuan ai ni.
I will love you forever.